The Good Ship Outrageous

 

299. The Good Ship Outrageous

I, Little Dolphus, the intellectual Leafy, overheard a conversation in a pine and aspen grove and I now report it here. I have permission to.

“Mama, you have to speak with AEternus. He won’t listen to me.”

Divina studied her son Richearth with some surprise.

“Not listen to you? Everybody loves to listen to you.”

“When I sing. Not when I ask for stuff.”

“What can you have asked your father for? He never denies you, of all people, anything!”

“I know he’s scared of me, but I don’t want to bully him into granting my wishes. I’m a nice, easy-going sort of fellow. Aren’t I? And I like being liked.”

“Well, what is it you want? Can’t I give it to you myself?”

“Not without a fight, I fear. I only want you to reason with Pa, not oppose him. I don’t want to make trouble between you.”

“Bah! Some issue there always is. A little more, a little less brouhaha won’t make much difference.”

“He’ll act up.”

“Well, speak out and tell me what this is about and we´ll see what can be done.”

“It’s about my kidnappers. My erstwhile kidnappers. The latest ones. Now it’s Papa and I who have them in our power.”

“Let me see. If I remember rightly, you mean Elucubrius of the Truisms and Bunglemore Bagpiper.”

“Yes. We have them sailing eternally on a ship all over the Seven Seas. Are there still only seven? Is it right to say that number?”

“There are fifty known seas on mortal Earth, and more in other worlds,” said Azuline, the little lizard fairy. She was there with her father.

“Isn’t my daughter smart?” said Richearth proudly. “She makes me feel like an ignoramus. But a proud one, because that’s my daughter.”

“Yes, very, very clever she is. But get on with your story, dear. I always have time for you, but I have an appointment at the beauty parlour and I don’t want to disappoint Rosendo. The baby is going to do my hair.”

“Ah! Yes. I know he is learning the trade at Melvinio’s. Imagine. My youngest! Not even a year old and he’s already going to do his gigi’s hair. I hope he makes you happy!”

“Of course he will! I’ll be satisfied with whatever he does. He’s my great grandson.”

“I’m lucky, am I not? In the end, I got really smart kids, didn’t I?”

“You’ve a very good bargain indeed!” said Divina, patting Azuline’s head.

“Well, as I was saying, we doomed Elucubrius and Bunglemore to roam about in a ship forever. Well, forever, except for a few days or so a year that I was able to wheedle out of Pappy. Boy, was he mad at these guys!”

“They could have starved the whole island, dear,” said Divina. “It was not just about you, our youngest, which would have been enough for him to be furious anyway. Wouldn’t you be, if someone abducted Rosendo?”

“I suppose so. But as I remember it, these guys treated me sort of right. It didn’t happen like Daddy thinks it did. I mean, of course they shouldn’t have sequestered me, but they didn’t  torture me or anything, and I could watch TV and drink all the beer I wanted and so forth.”

“That’s the Stockholm syndrome you had. What they gave you to drink made you delirious, honey. And you seem to not have gotten over it.”

“So Pappy says. The case is, I think he should pardon these guys. The last time they were on parole they didn’t even drop by Apple Island, like they did the year before. They sank into the bottom of the sea to be with  their girlfriends’ families.”

“Girlfriends?”

“I’m so happy with my wife and kids that I think they should be given a chance to be too. Why can’t they just stay down there all the while?”

“Elucubrius  and Bunglemore have girlfriends? There are women who are dumber than they are?”

“A couple of mermaids who boarded their ship. You know Marina, the hot music teacher? She would have nothing to do with them when they tried to flirt with her two years ago at the St. Lucy Bazaar, but she  gave them the numbers of a couple of her friends to be rid of them. And it worked out. These girls board the ship now and again.”

“Of course they do. And steal what they find there. Because you dreamt those fools  let you have  beer and a TV set, you rewarded them with a luxury yacht with sails embroidered with nuggets of  gold and bins filled with rubies and tons of pearls and such. Merfolks are notorious for taking whatever they want from those who sail the seas.That’s what those girls are doing on board. Filch stuff.”

“Well, I suppose the riches did help those blokes score. But, the case is, even merpeople can’t sink the good ship Outrageous, because it is under one of our spells. So these guys can’t live happily ever after deep down.”

“And you want me to get your father to lift the spell so they can. I don’t think it’s a good idea. The minute the mermaids sink the ship, they will have everything in it in their power and are most likely to get rid of Elucubrius and Bunglemore. And go find some other saps.”

“That’s what Pa says. His very words.”

“Look, I have to go. But I’ll think about this. I’ll see you later,” said Divina.

“Please, Gigi. Can I go to the beauty parlour with you?” asked Azuline timidly.

 

298. Late, but Never too Late

298. Late, but Never too Late

I, Little Dolphus, the intellectual Leafy, was quietly following Arley Fitz Titania and Oberon to see where he was going in case there should be a story in that which I could tell you. Young Arley was not alone. He was in the Company of Angelmouse Belfry Grigio, for he had just breakfasted on king cake and hot chocolate in the home of the family he had found for Angelmouse, namely the Di Limbo family. He had found Gelsemine and Nimbo well, and very happy to see him and now, after a brief stop at the Apple Island Auditorium so Angelmouse could fetch some partitures, both were heading for the Richearth Plantation, or so I guessed they were. And I was right so to think because once they reached this place they entered it, and strolled placidly to the front door of the colonial mansion that was the home of Demetrius Estraricus Richearth, Arley’s eccentric Uncle Richie, and of Richie’s wife, starry-eyed Branna Dullahan and their four new children, Hum, Esmeraldo, Azuline and Rosendo.

The peace of that beautiful morning that we were enjoying was suddenly shattered by some frightful shouts that pushed their way out the half open door, which seemed to be at least partially blockedon the inside by something rather large. I must say that there were two figures standing before the door that weren’t of a sort that would frighten at first sight but that were looking a little awed themselves.

These two were Artaban, the fourth Wise Man who had not made it to Bethlehem in time and who was wearing his kingly crown and carrying a large sack and the Italian Wise Woman Befana, a lady that had also attempted to follow the star to Bethlehem but never reached her goal either. This lady carried a large bag, decorated with red, white and green ribbons, the colours of the flag of her country of birth. 

And now, back to the shouts, I return. What I thought to have heard was, “They’ll have to return taking the way they came!” And next, “Not even one single gift more can possibly enter this house! I’ll jump out a window!”

All this was spoken, or better said, shouted by the very upset voice of a woman, so I concluded, after hearing the answer to this threat pronounced by the magnificent and unmistakeable voice of Demetrius Richearth, that the woman who had shouted was sweet Branna, who had never been heard to raise her timid voice before. 

“Darling, you are very polite. You can’t do this to visitors who have come out of love and in peace. And don’t threaten to jump out a window, you remind me of my father. He always threatens to leap into the void when upset with me. I know you both can fly. Threaten me with something that can scare me!”

That was Demetrius’ answer to his wife´s shouts.

“I wasn’t threatening you! I was saying I would jump out the window because I can’t make it to the door!” protested Branna. “And your visitors won’t be able to enter! All the doors are blocked through your fault. They have been for weeks!”

“But look how happy our kids are with their presents! Their little faces shine with delighted astonishment!”

“If their eyes are like plates it is because they can’t understand how their father can be so crazy!”

“Let’s see, come here, sonny,” Richearth turned to his boy Esmeraldo, seeking for some support, “do you like the gifts I have given you, or don’t you?”

“Very much! Thank you!” the voice of this child was heard to say.

“He can turn himself into a seahorse! He has no need of ships! What is he going to do with a kayak, a kawésqar canoe, a yamana bark canoe, an eskimo canoe, a palmtree trunk cayuco, a motorboat, a catamarán, a riverboat, a Venetian gondola, a schooner, two galleons and a brig saiboat?”

“Why, fly from confine to confine!”

“Fly? Horrors! Don’t tell me there’s an aircraft carrier too!”

 “Actually, I never thought of that one. But I’ll put it on my to acquire list, thanks for reminding me. I am the pirate captain that at the stern sings merrily, Asia on one side, Europe on the other, and Istanbul  right before meeeeeeee!”

And Richearth broke into The Pirate’s Song, and boy, the man could sing it! He was wonderful to hear. Evey creature that surrounded us paused to listen. I believe the world stopped turning!

“For my ship is my treasure, for my god is liberty, my law is force and the wind and my only homeland the sea!”

And when he was done, he added, “Don’t fuss, please, but due to problems at the post office a submarine is yet to arrive. And a weather modification vessel. I didn’t forget to buy those.”

“Should we leave?” Befana asked Artaban.

“I don’t know. If he is going to give an encore, I’d like to hear it,” said the Wise Man. “I’m like fascinated. Boy, can this man sing! What a grand guy! Look around you, Befana. All the flora that grows about us has trippled in size at the sound of his voice. We may or may not be welcome, but out here I don’t think we’ll be much of a bother if we stay to listen.”

“He is certainly awesomely good,” intervened Angelmouse. “Allow me to introduce myself. I am Angelmouse Belfry Grigio, and I know a little about music. I am Hum Richearth’s music teacher. Richie himself hired me this Christmas to train the voice of his daughter, an honour he has done me.  I am also a professor at the Sweet Voice of the Siren School of Song, and I belong to the Opera Company of the Royal Auditorium of Apple Island.”

 “Oh!  Well, we are sure we would love to hear you sing too!” said Artaban and Befana.

And from that moment on, everyone listened to everyone. Demetrius shrank the inmensity of toys he had gifted his children with even more than he already had so we could walk in through the door and enter his house. Brana was able to reach the door and welcomed us, apologizing for her shouts, but pointing at the piles of things that surrounded us to justify them. She expressed the hope that they would not return to their real size within the mansion, and Demetrius assured her they would not. But what I am interested in telling you are the stories of Artaban and Befana.

“Since you have never heard of us, Mrs. Richearth, we will explain to you who we are. You first, Artaban,” said Befana.

“I was a physician. That is, I was a doctor when I was mortal.”

“Therefore you still are one, though I take it you no longer practice,” said Branna.

“Exactly. I was also interested in astronomy, as I have been told you yourself are. So I corresponded with astronomers from other parts of the world. One day, we agreed to meet in a certain place to follow a star. You can imagine which star, I am sure. I packed my bags, especially one full of precious stones and I set forth. But as fortune would have it, I never reached my goal. As I advanced, I kept running into people who needed medical assistance. And money. For many were ill because they couldn’t afford good food and medicines. Never had I ever seen, or have ever again seen, as many ill people as I did when I followed the star. Even epidemics barred my way. I never got to Bethlehem, but I reached Jerusalem thirty-three years after I had set out of my home. All there was left in my bag of precious stones was a ruby. And when I saw what I saw in that city, I left it there. And my soul left my mortal body there too.”

“Something similar happened to me,” said Befana. “My father died when I was a little girl. My mother locked the rooms he had occupied to do his work in and would not let the servants in them even to clean them. I considered what was in there my heritage, for I had no brother who might make a claim. So I decided to fight the dust in there myself. There was a lot of it on the papyri and parchments and scrolls in there. As I cleaned,  I decided to have a look at them and found them most interesting. And most were about astronomy and astrology  and I read all I could and soon was corresponding with Artaban and other astronomers too. One day my mother told me I had to marry an older man because we were out of money, and if I didn’t do this, we would have to sell all the documents in my library.  I did as I was told to. My husband didn’t spend much time at home. He was interested in wars, and was always leaving to participate in one or another. So, despite having to raise two children, I had a bit of time to continue observing the stars. I realized something wonderful was happening up in the sky, something that foretold wonderful things would happen on earth. The friends I corresponded with decided to follow one star in particular and I was determined to join them in their exciting pursuit. I had to move quickly, because I learned about this late, and had little time to spare. I began to pack the scrolls, parchments and papyri I found most interesting. “But where are you going with all that junk?” my husband asked me, for he neither knew nor wanted to know anything about stars and miracles, aside from auguries about how his wars would turn out. I explained to him that  a very important child was about to be born, a son of heaven who would change the world and that I wanted to be a part of this change, and would offer him my documents to encourage him in his purpose. “But if he is a god, he already must know everything. Why take information to him?” However, my husband didn’t try to impede me from going on this trip. It was my sons who were not too happy about this. They were both grown, but still dependent. My husband and I were at the door of our house ready to part, he to a new war and I to follow the star of peace when my eldest son said, “Don’t you leave without ironing my red tunic!” And my younger son said he wanted to have breakfast. So my husband left and I stayed to speak to my sons and our servants, to explain to them that they were going to have to do without me and were now on their own and had to get on with each other. The next day, I did get to hit the road, but as I passed by a neighbour’s house, a little girl called out to me. Her mother was ill and had asked her to ask me for help. I spent six days in that house, and when my neigbour had recovered, I spent a week in my own home, quite ill myself. One thing came after another and the case is I never made it out of Rome, which was where I lived. But since I couldn’t give the gifts I had prepared for the special child, I spent the rest of my life giving small gifts to good children who lived near me, and when I passed away I became a spirit of Christmas and now I give gifts to the good children of all Italy.”

“And I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for the gifts you gave me when I was a very little boy and lived in a belfry in Rome,” said Angelmouse.

This is all I, the intellectual Leafy, have for you for now. Thank you for reading.

297. Remember Every Single Thing

 

297. Remember Every Single Thing

“How did it go, darlings?” Divina asked the Atshebies when they approached her to greet her at the Christmas Bazaar. They looked very cute, the lasses with crowns of candles on their heads and the lads dressed as Star Boys. “Has your grandfather been nice to you? He’d better have!”

“He’s taught us how to sequester people. Well, one truly evil bloke. He put him in a sack, Well, us he did put in one too, so we would know what it feels like.  But us he let go. Not the bad guy, no, him no. Right, Great.gramps?”

“¿¡Eh!? But what…are you telling me?” exclaimed Great-gran Divina. “AEternus, who are you? The Krampus?”

“Tiny tattlers!” muttered AEternus. “I should have made you promise never to tell anyone.”

“Who is the Krampus?” asked Neferclari, who always had to know.

“A real kidnapper. A genuine abductor of naughty kids. Especially those who talk too much. And he is sure to be out tonight. He always roams and roves by in December.” 

“The evil guy Grandpa sequestered wanted to prick me with knitting needles,” said Neferhari, very proudly. 

“Ah, Mr. AEternus, don’t you  frighten these children, for they won’t sleep!” protested Pedubastis.

“Not mister, no,” said AEternus, “I´ve told you many a time it makes me feel old. And you are almost my age. And give these kids some apple tea if they need to be soothed, but I think they would be more frightened if you were to tell them any old fairy tale at bedtime.”

“I’ve tried everything so they won’t have nightmares,” sighed Pedubastis.

“I’ll wager you haven’t given them a shot of this,” said the great- grandfather, drawing a flask from his jacket.

“AEternus! But how can you be so reckless? These are children! They can't have cognac courvoisier even if Napoleon did. You are going to turn them into alcoholics!” said Divina.

“Ah, ´tis only lotus juice,” protested AEternus. “It rids one of anxiety. And of a bad cough.”

“Even worse! Those who feel no anxiety become careles and indifferent. And that juice is probably addictive too."

“Certainly not! This is a weak water. Softer than what you think. It’s to have sweet dreams with. I took it daily as a child.”

“Which explains how crazy you are!”

“He was awesomely evil, the fellow we sequestered. He truly deserved to be trapped. And Grandma will hand him over to the devil on the first dawn of January,” Neferniki informed his great-gran.

“Oh, for the love of honey!” cried Titania. “That was a secret. I’ll explain this to you now, Mama.”

And Titania told her mother how she needed a prisoner so she could rescue Sherbananian Mari’s wicked son and how her father had offered to procure one for her.

“But why didn’t you say so? That is so dangerous! I would have helped you! I would never have let you go alone! AEternus, sweetheart, you should have told me!”

“You would be likely to hand me to the devil,” answered AEternus, “so you could be done and get back to your shopping.”

“There we go again! You are paranoid! You always suspect I am going to do something mean to you. Well, I would never hand you over to the devil. Poor devil, should you happen to be on his hands! He would need the lotus juice or water or whatever that is. But don’t you worry, dear, he would never have you. You aren’t that bad. Only unbearable. And impossible to keep track of. There is no understanding the way you do things!”

“Besides, if I interrupt you while you are shopping, you become enraged and stop buying and I have to find gifts for everyone myself and I can’t be bothering about what this one wants and that one needs! I’m not the Christmas-spoiling Krampus, but I’m no starry-eyed King from the Orient either.”

“Great-grandpa has told us to be good to Pedubastis, so she won’t kick us out into the garden and we won’t go pester him,” suddenly said Neferclari. “He doesn’t like to be pestered.”

“We will make our own beds,” said Neferniki.

And the rest of the kittens gave him a mean look.

“Don’t overdo it, will you?” said Nefernedi, sticking his elbow into his brother’s ribs.

“But it sure was fun to pester Great-gramps,” said Neferhari, laughing.

“Oh, yes, we did annoy him, and that is what we wanted to do, wasn’t it?” asked Neferedi.

“We annoyed two people, because the evil bloke is sure to be annoyed too. Annoyed and sequestered. Both,” said Neferviki.

“Gread-grandpa hasn’t sequestered anyone, dears,” said Titania. “He has detained a criminal. It’s not the same thing. But do stop talking about such disagreeable stuff.”

“Yes, now do go and pester the vendors at their stalls. They are dying to see some action. Look, there are your aunties, Heather and Thistle, selling sweets from different lands. Buy some jars of brandy sauce for the Christmas puddings, will you? Rhubarb always forgets to make this sauce and we have to eat them dry,” said AEternus to his great-grandkids, distributing small sacks of gold coins among them that had been prepared for him by Pérez, the mouse, tooth-fairy and banker. The coins were not made from gold teeth and they didn’t bite.

“¡YAY!” yelled the children and off they went to spend their money.

At Heather and Thistle’s stand was Arley too, just back from an almost whole year away from home learning his new trade.

“So, do you like your job?” Thistle was asking him.

“No, but I love the people I work with,” answered Arley.

“Does that mean that you are going to live with them now that you can live anywhere you please?” asked Heather. “I have heard you are finally going to claim your ideal home and that you won’t place it next to ours like you always said you would, but that you will take it to the Mnemosinite’s neighbourhood.”

“I will place it right next to yours, but it will be very much like Aunt Mabel’s house, only that it won’t have her interminable, infinite garden. But there will be secret passageways to the homes of the Mnemosinites. And to Mabel and Gen’s home, of course.”

“Then you haven’t forgotten us?”

“A Memorion can never forget anything. I have to remember everything, every little detail. That is my job.”

“So Grandpa can play golf,” said Thistle. “Well, it sounds exhausting.”

“To be honest, I only have to remember what happens in the south, for I am on the southern team. But then our four aunts unite and pass all their information, all we have gathered,  to Belvedere and that is when things start to make real sense."

“All the information?”

“Every bit of it. If not, there could be problems. One must never ignore, retain or hide information. Belvedere organizes it, but never filters it. Yes, absolutely all of it he passes on to Grandpa, who makes pertinent decisions and then returns it to Belvedere, who stores it in an archive. Grandpa only has it for a little while, so he can rest. There are two great archives, Belvedere’s personal one, and that of the dirrectional teams. Nothing is ever left out.”

“And when does Belvedere rest?”

“Never. Well, maybe a little while we are gathering new information.”

“I think Belvedere has to be utterly bushed if he has to know everything that has happened and will happen always,” yawned Thistle.

“Well, he likes what he does.”

“Can we buy brandy sauce for Christmas puddings?” the Atshebies dared to interrupt impatiently.

“Of course not!” snapped Beaurenard at the kittykids. “What made you think kids can buy alcohol?”

And the kittens glowered and frowned at him angrily. And he broke into laughter, for he was only kidding them.

“Of course you can,” said Heather. “I have placed the recipe for it on the jars. One can use vanilla instead of brandy if one is fussy about alcohol in food. There’s not enough brandy in it to affect anyone, really. I didn’t send you the recipe, Arley, because since you were going to come for Christmas, well, it wouldn’t have been  necessary, would it?” 

BRANDY SAUCE

Ingredients:

Two organic egg yolks

Four ounces of organic whipping cream.

Two spoonfuls of the best sugar to be had.

Two spoonfuls of a stupendous brandy.

Instructions:

 Place the yolks, the cream and the sugar in a pot.

Set the pot over low heat.

Whisk this mixture until it becomes a thick, smooth sauce.

Add the brandy slowly, making sure the mixture doesn’t get too liquid.

Beat gently until you have before you a thick, smooth cream and then pour it into a sauceboat.

Now you get to choose: If what you have is one great big pudding, to be shared by all diners,  you may want to pour the sauce over it and decorate the top with some holly or a large cherry. Or you can just cut the pudding into servings and pour the sauce over each piece in its dish. But if what you have are several individual small puddings, do pour the sauce over each one when in its dish. And decorate each with a sprig of holly or a smaller cherry. Or you can just set the sauceboat on the table and let diners serve themselves sauce if they wish. 

The end of this story has been told you by Little Dolphus, the Intellectual Leafy.

296. Cloak and no Dagger

296. Cloak and no Dagger

Curiosity led the Kittykids to speak to their great-grandfather again.

“What do we have to do?” they asked.

“We have to be careful,” said AEternus.

“And not get caught,” said Nefernedi.

“Yes, of course. Though we have every advantage, we must be prudent. But I didn’t mean that. I meant we must not abduct just anyone. We have to find someone adequate. And most deserving.”

“So we won’t be wicked.”

“That’s it. So we won’t commit an act of injustice. To each, his own.”

“We’re seeking for someone evil.”

“We’re not seeking. We aren’t hunters. This being is seeking us, and will find us. This being is the hunter.”

“He will come to us because he is bad,” said Neferniki.

“And we will send him to those who will take charge of him,” added Neferhari.

“That’s it,” agreed AEternus, “you seem to be catching on properly.”

“Shall we wait here for the monster?”

“No,” said AEternus. “This is Apple Island. We could wait forever and no one would come for us. We will have to leave and stroll about a more convenient place.”

“A dangerous place,” said Neferhari.

“Then let’s get going,” said Neferedi.

“Yes, the sooner we get this over with, the better,” said AEternus. “It’s getting cold. You kids have warm fur coats. I am going to put on a cloak.”

And the Atshebies, though they kept their authentic fairy kid forms, donned little coats that were made of faux fur identical to that they wore when they turned into kittens.

And AEternus put on a cloak, and he and his great grand-children  abandoned the blessed isle and entered Minced Forest. There they met Artemius, lord guardian of  the forest, who told AEternus that there was no person of interest at that moment in the forest. So AEternus and his party left the forest too and began to stroll through places shared by disturbed disturbing spirits and all kinds of humans, good and bad and so-so. And the first being they saw was a mortal vagrant who was sitting next to some garbage cans, eating something he had found in them.

“This one?” asked Neferclari, not sure of this at all.

“No, my dear. The first thing bad people look for when they want to do harm is a vagrant. Because they are alone, and wounded, sometimes in their bodies and almost always in their souls.”

“Since you were looking at him so fixedly…”

“I was looking because good fairies don’t attack vagrants. We help them when we meet them.”

“Because they are having a tough time,” said Neferviki.

And AEternus’ cloak left his shoulders and flew off to cover the vagrant, who stood up and began to walk.

“He’ll find his way back home now,” said Neferniki.

“Yes. Whenever you run into a vagrant, stop to think if he can be helped and help him if he can be.”

And AEternus and the Kittykids went on their way. And they got to the parking lot of a large building where they saw four boys. Two were beating up a third. And the fourth stood there laughing.

“These ones?” asked Neferclari, almost sure.

“Only one. Two are only obedient cowards. The fallen one is their victim.”

And the two boys who were beating the third suddenly slipped to the ground. And the boy they were beating broke loose and ran for his life. And the laughing boy, who was still on his feet chased after him. And AEternus and the Kittykids ran after this fourth boy, until he lost the third, who managed to get away disappearing  from sight.

Now the chaser sat down under a lamp post, after first having cracked the glass of the lamp by casting a stone at it.

“Now is when you get to intervene,” said AEternus to his grandkids. “Turn into visible kittens and cuddle together in that corner. I am going to protect you with an invisible shield, in case he tries to stone you or something.”

“We know how to protect ourselves with invisible shields,” said the Atshebies. And they proved they could by producing these. Pedubastis had trained them well.

“Now, meow away for all you are worth. Try to sound very pitiful and moving,” said their great-grandfather.

“But what have we here?” laughed the boy who was sitting under the broken lamp. He got up and went towards the kittens. “But what luck I have! So I won’t be bored today after all! I’m going to have fun! You, I will hang,” he said, pointing at one of the kittens. “You, I will boil. You, I will stick pins into. You-”

He didn’t get to say more. AEternus became visible. Once more, a cloak he was wearing slipped off his shoulders and  then it flew to the boy and enveloped him totally, like a spider envelopes its prey, till the creature looked like a mummy. And he only had time to see what was happening to him.

“Ughs! How mean he was!” exclaimed Neferniki.

“Is,” said AEternus. “Unfortunately. But now he will be mean among his own, those who are like him. And he will get to suffer those worse than he is. Well done, my kittens. You’ve been very brave. And good. Right now you are much older than you were when you woke up this morning. But don’t take a liking for this sort of adventure. Don’t enjoy chasing after others even if they are evil. This is not our world. We have to return to ours, and to drop by a Christmas bazaar organized by people of good will. I will give you money so you can learn to spend on doing good there.”

Happy St. Lucy's Day.

And yes, this story has been told you by Little Dolphus, the intellectual Leafy.

295. The Lord of the Cages

295. The Lord of the Cages

In the middle of a grove of mistletoe-covered oaks,  AEternus appeared to answer a call from his daughter Titania. In his left hand the old man AEternus now again was carried a bound sack.

“Lord of the Cages or something worse is what they will call you if you persist in your present ways. But Papa, this isn’t like you. You never did anything like this to us.”

“True. I allowed you to do as you pleased.”

“You simply warned us that what we wished to do wasn’t convenient.”

“You would mind my warnings about a third of the time, my good daughter. Your brothers never would.”

“Yes, but it never got to matter much, didn’t it?”

“Well, explain that to your mother, who says I should have done more. Because now that I am, you don’t seem to like it any better. And she probably won’t like it either, to judge from what you are saying about this.”

“But what can you expect to gain from sticking some poor kids into a bag?”

“I already told you. They were wandering about trying to sequester people and they have to understand that this is not a good idea. It´s not right.”

“But how can you expect them to understand this? How old are they? Not even two years old, aren’t they?”

“Better soon than late. But don’t worry about them. They are the kind that stops at nothing. They tried to take even me on. They actually wanted to set me to cracking stones. I, who have no use for sticks or stones. And all this has happened because your mother asked me to look after them.”

“Don’t pretend you are trying to please Mama. You can’t fool me. We are well acquainted, Papa. What you want is to annoy on the quiet. Passive aggressive, that's what you are being. I can’t understand why you have taken to locking people up to teach them lessons. You locked my sweet and harmless son up in a closet. And all he learned was that you can’t be trusted.”

“And that isn’t important? Besides, I never locked your son up. He insisted on reasoning with a mad poisoner. Convinced that he could do a better job than I could dealing with that piece of trash. And I only let him remain in that wardrobe for a very little while, so it would be to his greater glory when he was rescued. Or wasn’t he hailed as a hero when he surfaced?”

“These kids will only surface traumatized. And you will look like an ogre. Let them go, Papa.”

“They will let themselves go. This is a velvet bag. It will take them nothing to tear it. At the moment they are in shock. Like cats when you cast a towel over them and the light suddenly goes out. But as soon as these kids react and turn themselves into kittens and draw out their cruel nails, which are sharper even than Little Mauel’s, they will tear the bag in shreds.”

“Of course they will. They are my grandchildren. And the children of the fiercest of my sons.”

“Their mother is ferocious too.”

“And you are worse than their maternal grandmother. What a trick you have played on them! They won’t understand this, Papa. Later you will complain that no one ever understands you.”

AEternus shook the bag a little and effectively, a tiny but fierce nail broke through the velvet cloth. Soon the bag was indeed in shreds, though some of the kittens that were crawling out of it were sobbing and shedding bitter tears.

“Oh, my wee ones! Don’t be scared. Nothing bad has happened. Great-gramps was only trying to make you see that no one likes to be in the power of others,” said Titania, bending down to embrace her grandchildren, who turned back into fay babies in her arms.

“Now, did you enjoy being sequestered  or not?” AEternus asked his grandkids.

“No. Not at all,” answered Neferclari.

“Well, don’t try to sequester anyone. They won’t like it any better.”

“You’re mean,” said Neferclari.

“No! Your great-grandpa is only a little silly,” explained Titania. “He thinks one has to put one’s self in the place of others to know how they feel. Literally. He might not know there is a thing called imagination that can do the job.”

“Lunchtime! Come on, eat!” said AEternus. “That’s how one forgets one’s troubles.”

And he made a long and low table, low as a coffee table, appear, all loaded with hotdogs and hamburgers and pizzas and fries and pink lemonade.  

The kittens didn’t trust even this, but Titania convinced them they could eat without having problems, so  they began to.

“And why has my beautiful daughter summoned me?” asked AEternus, drawing Titania aside.

And Titania suddenly looked very serious.

“The end of December is at hand. You know what happens then. The devil.”

“Ah. You will exchange prisoners?”

“I would like to. But I haven’t got anyone to hand over to him.”

Now some evil tongues insist on saying that the fairy queen finds herself forced to cede a tribute consisting of a certain number of her subjects to the devil, who will take them as servants, and in exchange  he will allow her to reign in peace.This tribute is said to be paid at midnight, on the last day of October, but  the truth is very different. What happens is that on the last day of December, as soon as the sun rises, the devil or his agents meet with the fairies and exchange those prisoners they have made  for whatever reasons during the year. Those prisoners that are of interest to the parties involved in this deal are then and there swapped.

“I have to rescue the son of a friend. Gen got hold of this little criminal because that is what he is, and handed him immediately over to the agents of the devil. But now I need to recover this monster because if I won’t, his mother won’t leave me in peace. The problem is that I have no one to exchange this wretch for. Have you taken any prisoners this year, Papa?”

“I don’t take prisoners. I let people occupy the place they deserve. But if your brother has messed things up, shouldn’t he be the one to fix them?

“Under no circumstances must Gen even suspect I am going to make this exchange.”

“Correct me if I am wrong, but I believe you are referring to the wayward son of the human lady you are harbouring in your tropical garden. So that blundering woman still doesn’t realize the sort of son she has? Didn’t he try to kill her?”

“You are not mistaken,” said the fairy queen.

“I can put up with your having granted the mother asylum, but under no circumstances will I allow that rogue to wreak havoc in my island. I don’t want him here, my dear.”

“Neither you nor anyone wants him here. His mother only wants him out of hell. She has asked me to return him to their country.”

“Ufff! She means to visit him on her unfortunate countrymen? Again?”

“Listen, Papa. What will happen there is no business of ours. Sooner or later this boy will get himself killed and end up back in hell. But this time he will be a lost soul, not a mortal who can redeem himself, and there will be no way he will be able to leave the place. And his mother will have to accept that.”

“I can’t understand why you insist on meeting with the infernals yourself. This meeting  is no place for a nice lady to be at. Why doesn’t that husband of yours assist instead?”

“My husband doesn´t believe in the devil. He flatly denies the existence of evil. And he says he doesn’t waste time speaking with beings that don’t exist.”

“Yes, that’s a pretty way of avoiding problems. He’s good at that. And we have already established that your precipitate brother the believer isn’t going to be of any help to you either. So all you have left that you can turn to is your father. Don’t you worry then. Go home and rest for a while. Then get up and dress up nicely. Tonight is the longest night of the year. St. Lucy´s feast. And it will be a much longer night for us because we will have to show up at Generoso and Dadivosa´s Christmas bazaar. Those two are always so happy.”

“You never fail me, Papa,” smiled Titania and she vanished from the oak grove after saying goodbye to her father with a kiss.

And AEternus turned to the Kittykids and asked them if they had already eaten enough.

They didn’t answer. They only scowled at him. They were still mistrustful, though not as much as they had been.

“I think you have. One has to know when to stop. Second part of the lesson. That is what we must learn now. But don’t be afraid. This time it isn’t you who will suffer a fright. Listen closely, children. Every rule has its exceptions. The rule is not to sequester. I think you already know that. Now comes the exception.  Come, my valiant little ones. Your great-grandpapa is going to use you to sequester some unsuspecting ruffian.”

294. Aldecat and Adelcat

294. Aldecat and Adelcat

To sequester their great-grandfather, the Atshebies had to leave the park round Castle Attor. That was clear to the Kittykids. And though they didn’t mention this out loud, they all had a naggigng notion leaving safe grounds might mean they could be sequestered themselves. 

Only Neferclari, most prudent of the kids, voiced a kind of reference to this risk they might run.

“This is Apple Island, nothing bad happens here. Even Pedubastis has said so.”

So they displayed their wings and spread them and  flew off towards their greatgrandparents home. When they got to the gate, they landed before it, hesitating to enter.

“He might not be here,”said Nefernedi.

“It’s early, but he is more likely to be at his golf course,” agreed Neferniki.

“We won’t know unless we ring the bell and ask if he is home,” said Neferedi.

“If we ask someone who isn’t him, that someone might try to stop us from sequestering him,” said Neferviki.

The Atshebies knew from experience that there were those who  would always try stop them from doing as they pleased. Especially at gates. So they decided not to ring the bell at the gate.

“We´ll send a spy,” said Neferniki, “and I myself can be the spy, if you like. I’ll turn into a cat and sneak in.”

“No, let me be the spy, please,” said Neferhari, “for I make less noise than you do.”

“None of us ever makes noise unless we want to,” said Neferclari. And that was true. The Kittykids could be very stealthy.

“Any of us could be the spy,” said Neferviki.

But unknown to the Atshebies there were already two spies present at that place and that time. Their names were Adelcat and Aldecat and most of the time they gave the impression of being two great big statues of  winged lions that guarded the gate of AEternus home. Not that it needed much guarding, this being Apple Island, where almost all doors are left open. But the Atshebies were so busy agruing who should be scout and explore the premises that they did not notice one of the lions had vanished and that the other no longer looked as if made of stone.

“A litter of kittens?” the Atshebies suddenly heard a ladies’ voice say. “These are the prowlers that threaten AEternus?”

“Mrs. Virbonus, they have turned into kittens just now,” said the lion who had remained at the gate. Adelcat, I believe he was.

“Heavens! What were they before that?”

“They looked like little fay kids. I think they want to look cute to fool us.”

And then Neferhari said, “Hi, Great-gran!” And he turned himself into his fay child true self.

“Why, yes. Hi, of course. But what are you doing here? These are my great-grandkids, Attor’s babies. They aren’t dangerous at all, Adelcat. But thank you for warning me, both of you. They shouldn’t be out here alone. Where are your parents, children?”

“Up North,” said Neferhari, “with our other great grandma. The great lady one.”

“We were there too,” said Neferniki, “But we returned home with Pedubastis and our parents stayed behind.”

“We returned because we were eating too much, Pedubastis said. But we think it was because our nanny can’t stand the cold. We did get a lot of gifts from St. Nicholas. That’s what we went there for. To decorate the trees and receive gifts.”

“On the sixth of December, his day,” added Neferniki.

“And to sing carols and winter songs,” said Neferclari.

“We sing very nicely. Would you like to hear us?” asked Neferviki.

“Ah, so you’re  a jingle of carollers come for pretty pudding! That’s what you are  doing here!” laughed Divina.

“No! We´ve come to sequester great- grandpapa,” said Nefernedi innocently and the other kittens frowned at him a little for having given them away.

“You want to play with your great-gramps? Of course you do! Your daddy is away and you need a substitute. Did Pedubastis send you here?”

The Atshebies looked a little guilty when they said that Pedubastis had no idea they were there.

“She thinks we´re playing in our garden.But she said nothing bad ever happens in Apple Island, so it is alright for us to be here, isn’t it?”

“Of course it is! AEternus!” shouted Divina over her shoulder,“Come to the gate this minute!”

“Of course I will,” AEternus was heard to shout back, “for I am about to leave through that gate.”

And he appeared right behind the open gate with his golf bag, full of magnificent clubs.

“Forget about going to your club. Atty’s kids are here and they want to play with you.”

“Why?” asked  AEternus. “Why would any kid in his right mind want to play with me?”

“We chose you because you have a stick,” said Neferviki.

“She means a golf club,” said Neferniki.

“You want to play golf?” asked AEternus, sounding a little surprised.

“Not exactly. But we´ll explain when we have sequestered you,” said Neferhari.

“AEternus, you have just been sequestered. Better accept that. Make no resistance and don’t try to put up a fight, ” said Grandma Divina. “Just take these kids somewhere fun  and play with them.”

“What? Why should I do that?”

“Because if you are nice to them, I will be nice to you. And if you aren’t I will make your Christmas season very very cold.”

“So what else is new?” said AEternus.

“I have to do some online Christmas shopping. So what’s new is you are going to play with your great-grandkids. Find some way to amuse them! Go!”

And great-gran Divina pushed AEternus out of the gate and into the street before it, and shut the gate with herself inside. And Adelcat and Aldecat folded their wings and became moss-covered stone lions again.

“Look,” said AEternus to the Atshebies, “I have no idea why you are here to pester me, but the way I see this is that I have no choice now but to play with you.”

“Good!” said Neferhari.

“You have sticks. Now we have to find a stone,” said Neferclari.

“A stone? Civilized people don’t play with sticks and stones,” said AEternus.

“But you have to clobber it,” said Neferedi, “the stone, of course.”

“I? Clobber a stone? Why would I want to do that? What has it done to me?”

“You don’t have to want to,” said Nefernedi.

“In fact, you have to not to want to,” said Neferclari.

“But you have to do it,” said Neferhari.

“And it has to annoy you,” said Nefernedi.

“Why?”

“Because you are our slave.”

“I am? And that is the only use you have for a slave? Of my prowess yet? Why exactly do you need for me to crush a  stone? What has the stone done to you? Or what have I, for the matter?”

“Pedubastis says that is what slaves do. Break up stones.”

“No way!” said AEternus. “I am going to entertain you kids for a while, because I am a very civilized being and I don’t want to argue with my wife in December. Civilized peole avoid fighting in December. But like I said before, civilized people don’t toy  with sticks or stones. And they don’t  have slaves either. And it is important for you to learn that. So I am not your slave, no matter why you think you need one, and I will pretend to be your friend and play with you at a much more civilized game. Understood?”

And AEternus transformed himself into what looked to the Atshebies like an older boy. About seven or eight, or maybe small for nine. But older enough for the Kittykids to respect him a little. And then he made a golf course appear. Not his usual golf course, but a mini golf course. And he spent the rest of the morning teaching his great-grand kids to play mini golf.

And AEternus was very nice to the Kittykids while he taught them to play mini golf, and they were very pleased with him and looked up to the nice, cool  older boy he seemed to be. But when it was lunchtime, he made a sack appear, and said there were faux hotdogs and hamburgers in it, but the Atshebies had to walk into the sack to get them. And because they thought he was a cool older boy, they entered the bag without thinking twice, which meant they trusted him a lot, because the Kittykids are by nature mistrustful.  

This story is being told to you by Little Dolphus, the intellectual Leafy.

293. Game of Cats

293. Game of Cats

The Atshebies had been belabouring their nanny Pedubastis since very early that morning. They had breakfast in their bedrooms, where she would bring them trays of hot toast with fresh butter and golden honey and tumblers of borosilicate glass, handmade and decorated with bubbles and that would not break when the kids tumbled them spilling orange juice. Since these tumblers were magical, all one had to do was whistle for the liquid to slip back into the glasses and for the tumblers to get up.But as I was saying, the Atshebies had been belabouring Pedubastis because they had breakfast in their huge, communal crib, where they had been jumping and leaping more than usual on their patient and long-suffering mattress and had indulged in a ferocious pillow fight which had resulted in all the feathers and herbs from within their pillows flying out of them, for the kittykids, when they turned into kittens, had the fiercest nails, no matter how often Pedubastis pruned them, and with these they had torn and ripped the pillows. Now Pedubastis had to sweep up all the turkey, wild duck, moorcock,dove and lapwing feathers and all the sprigs of lavender, rosemary, jasmine, basil and more that had been the stuffing of the pillows, and not only change the sheets as she did daily, for they usually were occupied by crumbs of toasted bread that made one itch when one got into bed. And she had to shake the sheets outside the windows before washing them, looking out for honey that could have dropped onto them and made everything they grazed sticky and icky.

“Enough meowing! You are driving me insane!” shouted Pedubastis to the kids. “Come on, go out and play in the garden while I make this place decent. It looks like we´ve been attacked by Apep.”

"Her god of chaos," whispered Neferclari knowingly, and the other Kittykids nodded. They had heard Pedubastis mention this Egyptian god before. 

The Atshebies had never gone anywhere on their own. This was because their mother, Cathsheba, was afraid of what her mother Jocosa’s friends and enemies might do to the chilren. So they were surprised to hear that Pedubastis wanted them to go out on their own and asked her what could happen to them if she weren’t with them in the garden.

“Nothing!” said Pedubastis. “Well, yes, you could be sequestered,  by poor, unlucky kidnappers. But I don’t think anyone will dare to sequester you if you don’t leave the garden of this castle. It is common knowledge that your father is a fiend and that your mummy is worse yet. I should know, I brought her up and trained her myself, so I know her well. It's fierce we are. So nothing will happen to you if you stay where people can tell whose kids you are. And this is Apple Island, where we all live together in peace and bliss.So out you go! Move!”

But the Atshebies had another question to ask.

“What is sequester?” asked Neferclari.

“To be kidnapped. Abducted. Someone carries you off by force and takes you somewhere else.”

“Where to?” asked Neferhari.

“To a place you don’t want to be at and won’t like at all.”

“Why not?” asked Neferviki.

“Because they would be mean to you. They would feed you disgusting food, and you all so choosy and finicky and picky as you are. And they would force you to work for free and without will or vocation.”

“Why would they do that to us?”” asked  Neferniki, fascinated.

“To annoy you. There are bad people who want everyone else to be unhappy. And so they can have slaves. That’s it. Bad people love to have slaves.”

“And what is that?” asked Nefernedi, for the children had never heard of slaves.

“I just told you. Slaves have to work for free even if they don’t want to. They can’t lie on a bed of roses. They have to crush stones and stuff like that. They raise a lot of dust doing that, and it gets into their lungs and they cough and cough and if they are mortal, they kick the bucket.”

“Why are stones crushed?” asked Neferedi.

“What does that matter? They force you to do it to annoy you, and that’s it. The purpose is to annoy you, so don’t annoy me, because I have a lot of work to do, and I'm not your slave. Come, go out into the gaden once and for all.”

And the Atshebies left Castle Attor, They did so very cautiously, like the pussycats they were, Before they walked out the great castle doors made of the most robust of oaks they peered out a little from between both sheets. Then they stretched out a little paw and when they saw the heavy bridge of the moat didn’t give neath their ever so light weight,  they put out another paw and advanced.

Once in the garden they sat under a great tree, though this was meaningless because it had lost all its leaves and gave no shade, which they didn’t need anyway, because the sky was rather grey and it rather looked as if it might rain or even snow. And they all began to think what they could do out there.

And Neferhari had a brilliant idea. “What if we sequester someone?” he said.

“So we can have a slave?” asked Neferclari. And she added, “Why would we want one?”

“It’s a game we can play, isn’t it?” said Neferhari.

“And we annoy this person making him crush stones?” asked Nefernedi.

“How does one do that? Crush stones, I mean. Because to annoy is easy,” said Neferedi.

“Very easy. We do it a lot,”said Neferviki. “Anyone can annoy anyone.”

And Neferniki said, “Well, first one must find a stone to crush and then one has to give it knocks till it breaks up.”

“That isn’t easy,” said Neferviki. “It’s not easy to break a stone.”

“But it can be done,” said Neferniki, “or there wouldn’t be slaves. Or not?”

“There are stones in this garden. A pile. Small ones and big ones. It would take time to crush them,” said Nefreclari. “But who would do it? Who will be our slave?”

“Daddy is strong,” said Neferhari, “and one has to be strong to crush stones.”

“I don’t think Daddy would allow himself to be sequestered,” said Nefernedi. “Pedubastis said he wouldn’t allow anyone to kidnap us, because he is a fiend. He won’t let himself be sequestered either.”

“I’ve never seen him crush stones,” said Neferniki.

“Great Grandpa has a stick,” contributed Neferedi, much inspired.

“He has lots of them. But they are golfclubs,” said Neferniki.

“And he breaks them when he is upset,” said Neferhari.

“He hits something  hard with them as if it were a stone,” said Neferviki.

“He hits a ball, but if we kidnap him, he will have to strike a stone. What would it matter to him? One thing or another?” asked Neferniki.

“If he is our slave, it can’t matter to him at all. He will have to crush stones, yes or yes,” said Neferedi.

“And if that annoys him, so much the better. Or not?” asked Neferhari.

“Of course,” said Neferclari. But she added, “Why do we want to annoy him?”

“Because we are playing at having slaves. How do we do it? Sequester Great Grandpa, that is,” asked Nefernedi. “Because we are six and he is one, but he is kind of big. He´s not the size of a sparrow or a doormouse or a cricket.”

This story is being told you by Little Dolphus, the intellectual Leafy.