307. The Theos

307. The Theos

“Listen to me carefully, Rosendo, dear. I am about to give you a gift, but you must promise to defend it. On no account must it fall into the wrong hands.”

“I’ll do what I can, Great Gran,” said the little hairdresser to the Lady Divina.

“Now, I’ve called the Theos. And they should be here any minute with it.”

Divina had barely spoken when a smiling  young man, probably in his late teens, popped up in front of this lady and her great grandson.

“Madam!” he sang, and handed her a small, rectangular package wrapped in gold paper tied up with a cobalt blue ribbon.

“That will be all, Theodore,” said Divina, smiling too. And the man disappeared.

“Now, you well know that in this island we try to be truly blessed. Good climate, good food, good homes and best of all good manners and even better intentions. And you are probably also aware that out there things are very different. Not everyone can live here. You have to be good to live here, but even that has its degrees. Last December at the St. Lucy’s Christmas bazaar you met your great aunt Dadivosa and her husband Generoso, the couple who organize this sale. They are good people, very good. But they can’t live here. They are so good they feel an irresistible need  to live outside.  They had a house here. In fact, they were given three here. One after the other. Because they were good, they received houses, and because they were too good they gave them to people who couldn’t live in them. Well, the Theos could and are still living in one. Dadivosa and Generoso brought a number of people to the island who eventually had to be invited to leave or who left it in disgust because they thought they could do better outside. But we put up with the Theos because they were harmless. Are you asking yourself who the Theos are?”

“Yes,” said Rosendo.

“Once they received their third house, Divina and Generoso understood that they themselves couldn’t live here. The people they had ceded their first two houses to not only destroyed the houses but also thought they weren’t good enough for them. You see, Generoso and Divina’s  ideal home is far from being the kind of home bad people want. Not everyone appreciates poverty and misery like the generous couple do. Do you know what a Protestant is?”

Rosendo shook his head.

“Protestants are mortals some of which have an idea called the work ethic. They think mortals who don’t work and try to get ahead in life can’t get to one of those heavens mortal people can get to. Other people think the poorer and the more miserable you are, the more likely you are to go to mortal heaven. I don’t know why I am saying all this. The bad people who wanted more weren’t Protestants, only stupid beings who wanted more for free. That must have something to do with it. Generoso and Dadivosa aren’t selective. They help anyone they run into, good or bad. I wonder if they can tell the difference? In any case, there are also groups of people who think mortals can only get to a mortal heaven if they are poor and miserable, but let’s not get into that. All you need to know just now to understand me is that to live in this blessed isle you needn’t be awesomely poor or awsomely rich. All you need to be is a good neighbour. That’s why we are called the good neighbours. That’s your family name you know. Or did you think it was Richearth? That is also a name of yours, because of your daddy. But your great granddaddy is Mr. Goodfellow, because he is a good neighbour. And you are a Goodfellow, and goodfellows are good neighbours. So be good.”

Rosendo nodded.

“So the generous couple said to us, `Look, we  know we are upsetting things here and we are failing you and we know we have to go.´ So what we did is we gave Generoso and Dadivosa an ideal home in Minced Forest, next to that of Death’s Coachman. There is a kid there who has an exiled ideal home there too. A colossal one. Only he took it to some island. Not ours. Do you know who Death’s Coachman  is?”

“No,” said Rosendo.

“He is someone who prefers to live closer to where he does his job. And you don’t know about him because we have no use for him here. His place is among mortals.”

“Oh!” said Rosendo.

“Are you still asking yourself who the Theos are? Or have you forgotten all about them by now?”

“Yes,” said Rosendo.

“I hope that yes means you do remember we are talking about the Theos.Well, Generoso and Dadivosa live next to Minced Forest where they can help mortals and bad fairies. I don’t mean they help bad fairies do their bad stuff, though sometimes the good they try to do backfires. Most truly bad fairies don’t want to be anywhere near Generoso and Dadivosa. They are so good they give bad fairies the creeps. But fairies who are confused or mentally unstable sometimes allow themselves to be helped. So do good mortals. Aren’t you going to ask me who the Theos are?”

“Yes.”

“Well, do so, dear. So I can get on with our business.”

“Who are the Theos, Great Gran?”

“When Generoso and Dadivosa left the island, they gave their third house, a local ideal home, to five mortals who were about to drown in Peevish Pond. Actually, two of them did. Maybe three. Are you going to ask me if that is the same place as Lake Jittery?”

“Is it, Great Gran?”

Rosendo had never heard of either Peevish Pond or Lake Jittery.

“It is. It’s not a big lake, but sunlight never reaches the bottom of it. So it’s not a small pond either. There should be a name for that, shouldn’t there? For something between a lake and a pond?”

“I see,” said Rosendo.

“No, dear. You don’t see. Because sunlight never reaches the bottom of it, like I said. And even those of us blessed with great vision in the dark have never seen the bottom of this place, though mostly because we would rather not. How about you? Would you like to know what there is down there?”

“Not personally,” said Rosendo, with some difficulty. He hoped to express himself right and did. “But if you can tell me what there is there, yes, I would like to know.”

“Well, I don’t know personally either. Never been near the place. But I do know there are a number of ghosts there. Deep, but not wide, that’s Peevish Pond or Lake Jittery. So the ghosts are a little crowded there. Some are not the kind to seek company, quite the opposite. Loners of the woods type of ghosts. So it would have been a bad place for the Theos to live in. Many and boisterous Theos. Which is why your Great Uncle Generoso and your Great Aunt Dadivosa pulled the Theos out of there before they were all properly drowned.”

“The Theos are ghosts?”

“Not all of them. Two of them were  undisputably drowned. One didn’t want to live if the others were drowned. Another didn’t want to live if the third didn’t live. And the remaining one decided he might as well not live either.”

“There are five Theos?”

“Your questions are getting smarter and smarter,” beamed Divina on her great grandson. “But there are six Theos, though the sixth, who is really the first, isn’t related to the other  five. Though in truth, none of them are related. You’re going to say you don’t understand what I am talking about, aren’t you?”

“Is it like a riddle?”

“No. It´s my way of saying things. It annoys a lot of people. My way of saying things. But that’s how it is. I know! I will draw the information for you. Illustrations. That should help.”

And Divina made an artist’s block of paper appear out of nowhere, and some felt pens in seven colours appeared too. And all this stuff stood stiff in the air as she drew her version of the Tale of the Six Theos.

“This is a rowboat. Now we put people in it. More than should be there. This fellow is Theodore. We’ll call him Ted if we remember to. He’s rowing. So is Theona. They are in love, but this isn’t a tunnel of love, though the boat is a two-seater, but they don’t know that. That it is for two only. Oh my! How do I draw that they don’t know that? I have to make them look ignorant? Do they look ignorant to you?”

“Ignorant,” nodded Rosendo, after peering at the picture and studying it attentively.

“Good. As I was saying, this is no tunnel of love. It’s Lake Jittery. Look, here’s a lot of  green slime and frowning water. And one of the kids on the boat starts to get jittery. Oh, I haven’t drawn the kids yet, have I? Theona is their babysitter and she thought it would be fun to go camping. Neither she nor Ted had ever been camping before. Like I said, ignorant. Does it show here they have no idea what they are doing? Of course, there is always a first time for everything, but you always have to have a bit more than no idea about what you are doing if you are going to do something. Does it show they haven’t? Any idea? Look, I will draw Theona clutching one kid with an arm and another with her leg. Because she’s trying to row with her other hand. That should prove she doesn’t know what she’s gotten herself into. You see, there’s a third kid. I’ll draw him and he’s the one that gets most jittery. Okay, now I will draw this kid in the water. His name is Matheo. Did I tell you that before? No? Well I have now. So now Pond Peevish is peeved because there’s this kid sinking to the bottom invading its waters. No one knows where the bottom of this place is, I remember having said that before, but the way to get there is going down. So down goes Matheo. I will draw him five or six times sinking so you can see he is sinking lower and lower. You get the general idea, don’t you? Now Theodore, that is Ted, can’t stand hearing Theona scream hysterically, so he jumps into the water to try to draw Matheo out, but there are creatures in the water that don’t like his being there either and they drag him down too. They should have kicked him up if they wanted him out, but I think they don't know how to do that. Only grab you and hassle you to show discontent. And he can’t even see where Matheo is. I´ll cover all this up so you can see how dark it is on the  way down there. Block it all out. Or is it black it? Now Theona jumps into the water too, because her boyfriend isn’t coming out. She tells the kids to stay put before she jumps. I’ll draw her screaming `Stay put!’ as she jumps. But Timotheo has jumped into the pond before she has finished yelling. He is very much an empath, but I don’t see how I can draw here that he always is. Just that he got excited and jumped. Now two good fairies, also empaths, see what is happening and they come round flying – see their wings – and they pull out the babysitter and the Timotheo kid. But the girl says she doesn’t want to live without her lover and Timotheo doesn’t say anything because he is coughing out water like a faucet full of air when it hasn’t been opened in a while. I will draw the noises here. So the good fairies plunge again into the water and draw out Theodore and Matheo who are unfortunately now confused ghosts, though they are hardly aware of it yet. So they don’t know whether to cough or not. It might no longer be necessary. Between us, it isn’t, we know they are dead. It´s not easy to grasp and draw a ghost out of water. It´s not easy to get hold of them at all, but I suppose you know because you have a brother and a sister who drowned too, though you weren’t there to rescue them, but it’s not your fault because you couldn't possibly have been, so don’t fuss over that. Promise me you won´t!”

“I promise,” said Rosendo.

“Good, because then I needn't console you and can get back to the Theos. Generoso and Dadivosa – did I say they were the good fairies? No, I don’t remember saying that, but they were and I say it now, are arguing with the girl who doesn’t want to live now that her boyfriend is a ghost and she has to explain what happened to Matheo to his parents. Now there is a fairy law that you ought to know. Have you been taught it? If you haven’t been born knowing it, you should have been taught it. Mortals see you, you disappear as fast as you can. You speak with mortals, you have to abduct them. So Generoso and Dadivosa say to Theona that she needn’t drown, they will abduct her and Theodore and Matheo too can tag along and be all together forever because ghosts and fairies are spirits and can mingle. The generous couple will also have to abduct the other two kids, because they are witnesses, but they can return them in a while though it’s not a good idea because time will have passed and they might be so old they might collapse turning into a heap of ashes when back in the mortal world. The dry kid says he would rather stay with his chums anyway. So Generosa takes hold of the hand of the  dry kid. See, this kid she is holding is dry. I haven’t drawn him all wet, because he wasn’t. He never went into the water like the other two kids did. But when Generosa tries to get hold of  the kid that nearly drowned and was awfully wet, the one that coughed like crazy, well, he isn’t anywhere to be found. Do you want to know why? Of course you do! I don’t know why I waste time asking. Because he fell back into the water, and Generosa is about to go for him when who should show up hauling the kid that coughed up water, coughing again for all he is worth, but…Can you guess it?”

“Water sprites?” asked Rosendo.

“NO! Count on your fingers, dear. How many Theos are there?”

“Two ghosts and three abductees.”

That was all Rosendo could count so far. 

“The sixth Theo! Remember how I said there was a Theo that had nothing to do with the others? Let me draw him here. That’s what he looks like. Yes, this is exactly what Theophilus Shyboy looks like.”

“Theo!” I, Little Dolphus, the intellectual Leafy cried. I was listening to all that was being said because Leafies are allowed to do that. That’s how discreet we are. We never report anything we overhear unless we want to. And we very rarely do.

“Tell Rosendo who Theophilus is,” smiled Divina. “I’m rather tired of talking.”

“Theo was and is from a family of Parafairies. He lived with his folks in Minced Forest, in a house there called Owlwood Manse. His family still lives there, all ghosts now, save his younger brother, a fellow called Tyrone and his wife, Felina of the Forest Cats. Theophilus lives in a cabin on the grounds with other kids.”

“With Matheo, Timotheo and Dorotheo. Dorotheo is the dry kid, I forgot to say that was his name. Generoso and Dadivosa took the five Theos to their third home in Apple Island, but the kids made friends with Theophilus and preferred to live with him in his cabin.”

“Theophilus is a ghost or an abductee?”

“It isn’t clear,” I said.

“Ah, whatever he is, he’s a lovely boy,” said Divina. “The water sprites he was close to turned him into one of us when he was almost dead. They were able to save him because they got to him when he was breathing his last. The three kids who were involved in the Lake Jittery tragedy live in the cabin. Theophilus gave them a roof. They do nothing but enjoy nature there. The babysitter and her boyfriend live here, on the island. In the third ideal home we gave the generous couple and they gave the Theos. In mortal life, he worked in a factory and manufactured all sorts of products. He still does that, though not to live. Just to entertain himself.”

“Theodore?” Rosendo had understood by then he was expected to ask questions.

“Teddy, yes. And Theone. They live here. Do you want to know what is in the box he brought to us?”

Rosendo nodded.

“If I may ask.”

“A replica.”