50. Trial by Tasmanian Jury

After much further arguing, it was decided that the jury would consist of eleven cousins of Peaseblossom’s who had come all the way from Australia to visit her. This remoteness would guarantee impartiality. The twelfth menber of the jury would be Mr. Binky himself, who was never biased against anybody, at least in his opinion. And he would act as foreman because he was the only one who understood the procedure. And all these matters settled, the trial could now begin.

“I’m so nervous,” said Michael, as he adjusted his white wig. “This is my maiden case. Have I got the wig on right? I have to wear it, don’t I?”

“Son,” said Fergus MacLob O’Toora, “if you lose this case you will be the shame of your family. Keep that in mind. It should encourage you to win.”

“Bear in mind that if you win this case you will also be the shame of your family,” hissed Mrs. Dullahan, Michael’s aunt, over her nephew’s shoulder. “Remember this villain tried to starve your cousin to death.”

“Am I the only one these things happen to?” muttered Michael, feeling encouraged indeed. “I’ll do the only thing I can do, which is do what I can do to do justice.”

“That’s not your job,” snapped Fergus. “That’s up to the judge. What you have to do is get the accused off the hook.”

It was indeed a complex case that was to be tried. Curmudgeon Finn was  charged with kidnapping Alpin Dullahan, Arley FitzOberon and FitzTitania and the little blue-winged copy of Bulfinch’s mythology. Basiliska Henfeather  was accused of unlawfully seizing property that was in the public domain and attempting its sale. Goblin George Goforth was accused of trying to buy the said public property and Magpie, Merchant of Mauve Moor, was accused of  the same. Lira Anadyomene had succeeded in convincing the authorities that she had only tried to buy the verbal tenses to return them through donation to the public domain, and was therefore not charged with theft but formally thanked for her kind intentions.

Curmudgeon might also have been accused of assaulting and battering Michael and damaging his tree house with flying brick threats, but Michael decided it would be easier to forgive Curmudgeon for all that than to sue the fellow and then have to defend him.   

“All hear! All hear! Hear ye! Hear ye! Oyez, oyez, oyez!” resounded Puck, stentorian-voiced in the role of bailiff. “The Court of Fairyland is now in session, the Honorable Judges Titania and Oberon presiding. Today’s case is the Fairy People vs. Curmudgeon Finn, Basiliska Chookfeather, Goblin George Goforth and Magpie, Merchant of Mauve Moor.”

Michael’s first move  was to ask librarian Mildew Finn to take the witness stand. Mildew was the person who could best cast light upon all that had happened at St. Job’s Library. And since she was Curmudgeon’s loving sister, her testimony would most likely favor him.

                                     

“My brother is both an ignorant and a responsible person,” testified Mildew. “Not responsible for the enormities he is accused of, that no. What I mean is that he responds whenever he is assigned a job, carrying it out faithfully. In his ignorance, he has tried to perform the tasks of a librarian the way a guardian of a great treasure would, for that is what he has always been. I’m not saying books aren’t great treasures. As a vocational librarian, I know the value of books better than anyone. But Curmudgeon doesn’t know what a book really is at all because he never learned to read or write. In brief, this misunderstanding stems from his having no idea of the nature of what he was protecting. He took these poor boys for thieves and the little blue-winged book for a deserter. Hence, he caged them. If truth be told, I am the one who is guilty because I recommended him for this post, but although I knew he was a little dense, I never imagined he would perform his duties in such an unfortunate manner. In short, this kidnapping is my fault and not his and I beg he be acquitted, as I am ready to answer for it.”

“The defense,” protested Ernest Dullahan, the prosecutor, “is trying to make you believe that the accused, Curmudgeon Finn, is not a perverse kidnapper, evil artificer of a heinous crime, but only an illiterate bumpkin, who was fated to bungle. But I ask you, who in the reign of fairy is not an illiterate bumpkin?”

“I object!” exclaimed Titania. “I am no illiterate bumpkin, nor is my silly husband!”

“Thank you,” said Oberon, “quite right! But I believe you can’t object. You’re the judge. It’s the defense who has to object.”

“Well, as far as I’m concerned, he has,” said Titania. “And I reply that it’s true most fairies would rather dance and make merry than read, and maybe I should urge my subjects to read more, but I don’t do it because it is easier to make them happy if they are superficial than if they start having strange ideas and pestering me with suggestions about doing this or that differently. I’ve enough of that with Mr. Bingy here. Please understand me, I need to have my beauty sleep and not to have unending headaches. Well, to sum up, Oberon and I, like the rest of the fairy people, are very popular among writers and other artists and we love them too. And we’re not stupid at all. So this Finn person is one of a kind, and that’s settled.”

“Established,” corrected Oberon. “Yes, I think you’ve established that.”

“I didn’t mean to offend,” apologized Mr. Dullahan. “I’m fay too. I only wanted to make clear that one thing is ignorant and criminal another.”

“Well, if these are two different things and the accused is the first, could it be that he is not the second?” suggested Michael.

“Don’t try to confuse me, nephew! I know what I’m saying!” glowered Death’s Coachman.

“Before I leave the stand, I want to say that it is true that my brother asked me on several occasions to write notes addressed to the leprechaun that has now kindly agreed to be his counsel. Finn wanted me to convince the leprechaun that he had better close his blog because pictures of  too many books appeared in it and if he made the fairies want to read they might show up at the library which is exactly what he, the accused, was most paranoid about. What I did was write notes congratulating the leprechaun on his blog and urging him to continue publishing posts because I knew Curmudgeon would never find out. What I didn’t know was that he would use bricks and his up to seven leagues slingshot to make these notes reach the addressee. And I want to apologize for the brick-throwing. I feel that I could have avoided this because ignorant people can be taught and I never really took my brother’s ignorance seriously enough.”

“We’ve heard enough, Madam. Get off the stand,” ordered the prosecutor, “or you’ll end up being guilty of having burned Troy.”

Michael then called on me to testify, for I was one of the victims.

I said I had a great time while being kidnapped. I learned a lot. Among other things I discovered that I am not allergic to dust from books, which is what had kept me away from the Patient Job’s library. I said I meant to return to the library al least once a week. I did say I was sorry for Alpin because he is used to getting everything he asks for and Mr. Finn was deaf to his complaints, but I also said I was not angry with Mr. Finn, but sorry for him, because he lived in a library and didn’t have a clue how to enjoy it. For me, that was punishment enough. I said that now that Alpin was free, I was no longer sorry for Alpin but still felt very, very sorry for Mr. Finn.

The Leafies all cheered when they heard me speak with compassionate sympathy for Mr. Finn.  

“Right, lad, right!” they cried. “That’s the way to testify.”

And they demanded to be allowed to take the stand and testify too, as witnesses of character.

But it was Alpin who was called next.  

   

“Through the fault of that yokel I missed Michael’s parties and other meals, great and small. That should be enough to nail him. Are we going to be here forever? I want to go home and raid the fridge! Now!”

“If that’s what you want, my darling, we’ll go home and do that this minute!” cried the onetime Demon Bride. “And you, Ernie, are coming home with us because I want all the family round the table celebrating our baby’s return.”     

“I sure would like to,” said Ernest Dullahan, “but I can’t. I’m the prosecutor.”

“Well, then let someone else be that,” urged Aislene.

“Me!” hollered Leafy Vinny anxiously hopping to Mr. Dullahan’s shoulder and tugging at his wig.

“Delegate on that leaf, Ernie,” suggested Mrs. Dullahan.

“If that’s what you want, sweetheart...”

“Now,” beamed Mrs. Dullahan on the prosecutor in a low and promising whisper. It looked as if her lips had given him a kiss.

Mr. Dullahan shrank the prosecutor’s wig to a diminutive size and handed it to the young and determined Leafy who was making a grab for it.

“All yours,” he said.

                                     

“I withdraw all the charges!” bellowed Leafy Vinny as soon as the wig was on his head.

“Not so fast!”

The Tasmanian jury wanted to make itself heard. Peaseblossom’s cousins hadn’t been sitting there listening conscientiously  to the proceedings for nothing. It took them two minutes to deliberate and come up with their verdict, which was read to the court by the foreman, Mr. Binky. It was as follows:

“We find the accused Curmudgeon Finn guilty only of being a vulgar bungler. We find his accomplice, Basiliska Chookfeather guilty of thinking more of her own needs than about what a nong her boyfriend is. She, Goblin George Goforth and Magpie of Mauve Moor are guilty of attempting misappropriation of property in the public domain. And there’s no denying that.” 

And then Mr. Binky said he wanted to add a few words. As he spoke, the jury began to softly hum Waltzing Matilda.

“None of this would have happened and we wouldn’t be here  today if there were a school for fairies, just as I have always recommended there be. Ignorance is the root of crime. It is my firm belief-”

“Oh, shut up!” cried Titania. “Oberon, let’s sentence the guilty and put an end to all this.We have other things to do.”

The judges sentenced Curmudgeon Finn to be educated by Mr. Binky until he was smart enough to be headmaster of any kind of school the Prime Minister might imagine. They sentenced Basiliska to guard the royal hencoops for an undetermined length of time because they forgot to say for how long. They sentenced Goblin George Goforth to goforth and return to whatever unpleasant place he had sprouted from and remain there, giving no further trouble and as for Magpie, to everyone’s surprise, they sentenced her to return Michael Toora’s still missing shoe, the second of the pair he had lost, to its rightful owner. They also said she should give him something nice as well to compensate for not having returned the shoe as soon as she had learnt whose it was.

“To my arms! Let me embrace you, son!” shouted Fergus MacLob O’Toora to Michael. “You are your family’s pride and joy!”

And the Leafies all banded together and carried Michael out of the courtroom in triumph, to celebrate Curmudgeon’s not having been exiled from the fairy world. There was cheering and hip hurraying and the full blast singing of Waltzing Matilda too. 

"God save the jury who stopped word thieves from fleecing us!

God save the judges who showed 'em no mercy!

God save the good folk who stand up for public domain

So all we people can speak free and for free!"