The scene changed and we found ourselves
standing before a Tudor home that was a replica of what was supposed to be Mary Arden’s house near Stratford-upon-Avon. In case you don’t know who Mary Arden is, she is William
Shakespeare’s mother. And everyone knows who Shakespeare is.
“Ayayyeeeeeeeeee!”
screamed the rabbit grandpa, who had done nothing but sniffle a little up till
then. He leapt out of his granddaughter’s arms and disappeared in a puff of
golden mist.
“What
happened?” asked Michael, startled himself. “Your rabbit
doesn’t like my house? Excuse me, I mean your grandfather.”
“This house is a jinx,” said Wisteria, her face
very grave and serious. “Horrible calamities will befall its owner.”
“But...why?”
said Michael, who was so surprised he could hardly speak. “Is the door in the wrong direction?”
“That would be a minor problem,” said Wisteria.
“This is much worse. Those huge beams are in plain sight of day. They are like
poisoned darts that pierce the Chi and envenom it.”
Tudor houses do have huge visible beams,
especially criss-crossing their fronts.
And then it was Fergus who began to shout.
“I was
skeptical but now I believe! You see? I told you I disapproved of your
choice of a Tudor style home! What kind of an Irishman has an English house for
his ideal home?”
“But it’s a replica of what could be Shakespeare’s mother’s farm house,” protested Michael. “I don’t think she had it so tough. She had a boy
who grew up to be a genius! And the beams aren’t even sharp and pointy.”
“You must cover those poisonous lances!”
insisted Wisteria. “Cover those beams any way you can! What one can’t see
doesn’t exist, so the Chi won’t notice them if they are covered.”
“Right,” said Fergus. “So the Chi won’t throw a
fit, like I did when I first saw your house! Ah, it must be raging now, the
poor Chi, with its white teeth gleaming and huge claws beaming and its yellow
mane standing on end!”
“Another nefarious thing is that peach tree you
have in the backyard,” said Wisteria, walking about the country garden that
surrounded the house.
“That peach tree is nefarious? It is in the
health sector and peaches happen to be a
symbol of good health. Or so you said.”
“In that corner dwell five evil ghosts. They
will perch on the tree like birds of ill omen and ruin your health from above.”
“There are five evil ghosts living in my house?”
asked Michael aghast.
“There are five evil ghosts crouching together
somewhere in every house,” explained Wisteria. “The owner has to see to it they
are evicted as soon as possible. You must move the peach tree somewhere else
and put a toilet here so it will suck up the five ghosts and push them
somewhere else down the drain.Toilet seats are very dangerous. You always have
to keep the cover down so they won’t absorb the Chi and drag away all your good
luck along with it.”
“But how am I going to put a toilet in the best
part of my garden?”
“Put an outhouse there. The toilet will be
hidden within a shack,” suggested Fergus.
“Can I do that? If what one doesn’t see doesn’t
exist, the ghosts won’t see the toilet and won’t go down it.”
“Build the shack right after they’ve been
sucked down, you big silly!” shouted Fergus. “And keep it always closed! Then
they won’t see the garden and won’t come out!”
Fergus was really into Feng Shui now, and ready
to swear by it.
“But what will I want the toilet there for
then?”
An hour and a half later Wisteria was done
explaining to Michael what he should do to fix his house.
“Good luck to you and here is your bill,” she
said.
“Bill? I thought my cousins had paid for your
services.”
“Oh, that yes,” said Wisteria. “The bill is
from the fruit shop.The little boy you brought with you has eaten up everything
there and left us out of stock. One last piece of advice. Free advice. If you
ever tire of that child, send him to us. We can place him among the E Gui.
These are Chinese ghosts that are always hungry. He won’t stand out so much
among them.”
“I was wondering why he was so quiet,” sighed
Michael.
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