85. A Horizontal Eight

The day after the Petal Fling I was sneezing endlessly.

“It’s the puss my cousin gave you that is giving you an allergy,” said Alpin.

“No,” I replied. “It was all that pollen at the Petal Fling. I know I should keep away from the woods in spring, but I would miss so much fun.”

“Fun? You’re sneezing more than you are breathing and one of the trees blackened my right eye with a branch. Gregoria, you are a disaster,” said Alpin, turning on his bodyguardess. “Where were you when I needed your help? You should have avenged me with an axe.”

“Toughen up or die,” drawled Gregoria.

“I just might give her to you for free, Arley,” said Alpin. “Now, if this is New Moon Street, where is number eight? I don’t see it anywhere. It’s bound to be an invisible house we´re going to, or some other cute trick like that. You’ll be late for your appointment with the fortunetellers, Arley. And they’ll say it won’t be propitious again for another month.”

Just as Alpin had said, he, Gregoria, Gatocatcha and I were on our way to see Gem Worrywart and Minafer Ominous. But their house was not invisible. It simply had a horizontal eight on the door instead of a vertical one, like a symbol of infinity. It was Gatocatcha who pointed this out to us scratching on the brown door of a red bricked house.

                                

Gemaniah Worrywart answered the scratching, wearing a cool white African robe illustrated with voodoo symbols and a matching hat.

“Minafer, the querent and his friends are here. How punctual! Right on time. They’ve brought the cutest pussycat with them. What’s its name?”

            

                    

“Gatocatcha. Because he is a gato and a cat and grey and vegetarian.”

                                    

“Cut the small talk and let’s get down to business before the stars move and are no longer favorable,” said Alpin. “You won’t make money if that happens. I bet that if I hadn’t adviced you guys to receive Arley because he had a blank check you wouldn’t have wanted him for a client.”

                   

“Happy morning, querent and company,” hailed Minafer Ominous. He was not wearing the dark blue Victorian suit he had worn to the petal fling. He was looking a lot more modern in a Hawaiian shirt decorated with a school of coloured fishes. “Now, if I remember rightly you wanted to get in touch with the ghost of Dr. Freud. Well, the best way is to drop by his house. I’m sure he is very well-known there.”   

And Alpin began to shout.

“You made us come all the way here at a quarter to seven a.m. to tell us that? I thought you were going to conjure up Dr. Freud’s spirit so he could speak to us through you. You are mediums, aren’t you? Well, mediate!”

                

At that moment a phone there was on a little three-legged table turned a glowing red and began to jump and shake and go bring, riiiiing, briiiiing.

“Excuse us,” said Minafer. “We have to answer the phone before it bursts into flames.” Without touching the phone, he answered it. “Can you guess who it is?” he said. “It’s  the prime minister, Mr. Binky. Mr. Binky, you shouldn’t be calling us. We told you it wasn’t favorable just yet.”

“Yes, we hear you perfectly,” said Gemaniah Worrywart. “You believe you’ve had a great idea. You are saying that since we know everything beforehand and are part human, we’re excellent candidates to be headmasters of your inexistent school. Have you heard that, Min?”

 “Perfectly,” answered Minafer.

Needless to say, none of the rest of us was hearing Mr. Binky at all.

“Well, it’s not propitious for you, but it is for us, so it might just work,” continued Gem. “Mr. Binky, we accept, always supposing you are going to pay us, of course. What? You didn’t expect that? No, we can’t do it just for the prestige. We’re only mostly human. You’re saying you don’t know where you will find the money? You needn’t worry. We’ll take care of that. You see? We are already working for you. You can hang up without a care, we’ll see to everything.”

And then Gemaniah Worrywart turned to me and stared right into my eyes with his own unbalanced zombie eyes. “You’re rich, kid. Would you like to invest in education?”

“I?” I have to admit I was scared. “I’ve only a ransom fund,” I said. “I can only use it if I am kidnapped.”

                               

“If I tire of looking after the unchangedling, what are the chances I will find a job at your school?” interrupted Gregoria, making her presence known.

Minafer and Gem ignored her entirely and both set on me.

“Arley, you have a blank check. Why not become a philantrophist? You’ll be remembered as the benefactor who taught the ways of peace to the mortals and the fairies. Can you think of a better way to use your money?”

“It’s not my money,” I began to explain, but Alpin cut me short.

“I can think of fifty! To start with! Arley, you’re such an idiot! Look at the mess you are in. If you had shared that check with me when I asked you to, you wouldn’t have to choose between your sanity and the welfare of two worlds. If you don’t give them the money, everyone will say you are an egotist, and if you do, they’ll rightly say you do need a psychiatrist to teach you to be selfish!”

It was Gregoria who got us out of there. I owe her one.