The Good Ship Outrageous

 

299. The Good Ship Outrageous

I, Little Dolphus, the intellectual Leafy, overheard a conversation in a pine and aspen grove and I now report it here. I have permission to.

“Mama, you have to speak with AEternus. He won’t listen to me.”

Divina studied her son Richearth with some surprise.

“Not listen to you? Everybody loves to listen to you.”

“When I sing. Not when I ask for stuff.”

“What can you have asked your father for? He never denies you, of all people, anything!”

“I know he’s scared of me, but I don’t want to bully him into granting my wishes. I’m a nice, easy-going sort of fellow. Aren’t I? And I like being liked.”

“Well, what is it you want? Can’t I give it to you myself?”

“Not without a fight, I fear. I only want you to reason with Pa, not oppose him. I don’t want to make trouble between you.”

“Bah! Some issue there always is. A little more, a little less brouhaha won’t make much difference.”

“He’ll act up.”

“Well, speak out and tell me what this is about and we´ll see what can be done.”

“It’s about my kidnappers. My erstwhile kidnappers. The latest ones. Now it’s Papa and I who have them in our power.”

“Let me see. If I remember rightly, you mean Elucubrius of the Truisms and Bunglemore Bagpiper.”

“Yes. We have them sailing eternally on a ship all over the Seven Seas. Are there still only seven? Is it right to say that number?”

“There are fifty known seas on mortal Earth, and more in other worlds,” said Azuline, the little lizard fairy. She was there with her father.

“Isn’t my daughter smart?” said Richearth proudly. “She makes me feel like an ignoramus. But a proud one, because that’s my daughter.”

“Yes, very, very clever she is. But get on with your story, dear. I always have time for you, but I have an appointment at the beauty parlour and I don’t want to disappoint Rosendo. The baby is going to do my hair.”

“Ah! Yes. I know he is learning the trade at Melvinio’s. Imagine. My youngest! Not even a year old and he’s already going to do his gigi’s hair. I hope he makes you happy!”

“Of course he will! I’ll be satisfied with whatever he does. He’s my great grandson.”

“I’m lucky, am I not? In the end, I got really smart kids, didn’t I?”

“You’ve a very good bargain indeed!” said Divina, patting Azuline’s head.

“Well, as I was saying, we doomed Elucubrius and Bunglemore to roam about in a ship forever. Well, forever, except for a few days or so a year that I was able to wheedle out of Pappy. Boy, was he mad at these guys!”

“They could have starved the whole island, dear,” said Divina. “It was not just about you, our youngest, which would have been enough for him to be furious anyway. Wouldn’t you be, if someone abducted Rosendo?”

“I suppose so. But as I remember it, these guys treated me sort of right. It didn’t happen like Daddy thinks it did. I mean, of course they shouldn’t have sequestered me, but they didn’t  torture me or anything, and I could watch TV and drink all the beer I wanted and so forth.”

“That’s the Stockholm syndrome you had. What they gave you to drink made you delirious, honey. And you seem to not have gotten over it.”

“So Pappy says. The case is, I think he should pardon these guys. The last time they were on parole they didn’t even drop by Apple Island, like they did the year before. They sank into the bottom of the sea to be with  their girlfriends’ families.”

“Girlfriends?”

“I’m so happy with my wife and kids that I think they should be given a chance to be too. Why can’t they just stay down there all the while?”

“Elucubrius  and Bunglemore have girlfriends? There are women who are dumber than they are?”

“A couple of mermaids who boarded their ship. You know Marina, the hot music teacher? She would have nothing to do with them when they tried to flirt with her two years ago at the St. Lucy Bazaar, but she  gave them the numbers of a couple of her friends to be rid of them. And it worked out. These girls board the ship now and again.”

“Of course they do. And steal what they find there. Because you dreamt those fools  let you have  beer and a TV set, you rewarded them with a luxury yacht with sails embroidered with nuggets of  gold and bins filled with rubies and tons of pearls and such. Merfolks are notorious for taking whatever they want from those who sail the seas.That’s what those girls are doing on board. Filch stuff.”

“Well, I suppose the riches did help those blokes score. But, the case is, even merpeople can’t sink the good ship Outrageous, because it is under one of our spells. So these guys can’t live happily ever after deep down.”

“And you want me to get your father to lift the spell so they can. I don’t think it’s a good idea. The minute the mermaids sink the ship, they will have everything in it in their power and are most likely to get rid of Elucubrius and Bunglemore. And go find some other saps.”

“That’s what Pa says. His very words.”

“Look, I have to go. But I’ll think about this. I’ll see you later,” said Divina.

“Please, Gigi. Can I go to the beauty parlour with you?” asked Azuline timidly.