313. Boost U.

313. Boost U.

While her brother Esmeraldo was wheeling and dealing at Lake Jittery with the Lady of this lake’s Abysmals, Azuline was returning  the books she had found on naval architecture back to their places on the shelves of Gentle Manor’s library. She had read them all, studying them diligently, and felt she was now ready totry and  build a good little ship.

And then, when she had just left the last of these books in its place, her crystal ball rang.

“We’re calling from Boost U. Yes, Boost University,” said a voice. “We’ve heard you tried to enroll at Ful U’s faculty of Naval Architecture and Marine Engineering  and didn’t like what you found there. We want to offer you our services. We are sure you will be most happy here with us.”

Azuline explained to the caller that she had done some home schooling and probably no longer needed to go to a university to learn how to build a modest boat. The voice would not be dissuaded.

“You’ll need practical classes, blah, blah, blah! It’s best to have a diploma, blah blah blah!” went the voice from Boost U.

The voice was so kind and so insistent that Azuline, who hated having to say no to anybody who sounded friendly, finally gave in.

“Alright,” ceded Azuline. “I’ll drop by your faculty and see what you have to offer.”

And that is what she did.

Azuline was advised to attend  two or three  classes and see if she liked what she learned.

And that she also did.

The first class consisted of a lecture delivered by Professor Ramble. He was supposed to explain how to make a boat unsinkable. And he rambled on for an hour on how he almost drowned in the bathrub of his decrepit gran’s   even more decrepit home when he was two years old. She had left him  sitting there with the water running and gone off to check on some lentils she was boiling and then forgotten all about him. And since he didn’t know how to swim, it was lucky he managed to float and get rescued before drowning by his uncle who entered the bathroom to use the toilet. Professor Ramble then told his pupils that some people thought it was very necessary to learn to swim if you didn’t want to drown but how others thought that knowing how to swim often only prolonged the agony of fighting against bodies of water. These last people thought it was best to drown fast.Therefore they thought learning how to swim was a mistake. And after having given his pupils this valuable information, the professor  rang a bell himself and that was the end of his class.

The second class Azuline attended was supposed to be on materials used to make different sorts of ships. Professor Resentful spoke for about an hour on how mean port authorities can be and how prejudiced against foreigners and suspicious of ships that sailed under a foreign flag. Boy, was he mad at some of these authorities! He called them a lot of colourful names and ended  his class advising his pupils never to sail anywhere but in their homeland's . Then he asked if there were any foreigners among the pupils. Azuline was not sure if she was a foreigner or not, so she slunk down on her seat and tried to hide under the desk and go unnoticed.

The third teacher who walked into the class was Professor Resentful’s nephew. Azuline knew this because she had heard one of the pupils tell this to another. He walked in and asked if there was anyone present there who knew anything at all about ships and the sea. He said that should there be someone, that someone needn’t attend his class. They probably already knew more than they needed to learn. And there was no reason  for them to remain and make the rest of the class feel inferior. He then began take attendance, and as he called the roll he would pause before each student and smile at some and look away from others.  Because he had left the door open, Azuline  was able to crawl out of the classroom on all fours when the professor’s back was turned.

“But, honey,” said the man whose was the voice that had been on the crystal ball when Azuline told him, extremely politely, for she was a very polite girl, what she thought of the classes she had attended, “we don’t want experts and you want a diploma. I’m sure we can arrive at an understanding. Isn’t your daddy Richearth Goodfellow? We want you here.”

“The problem is I think by now I am an expert,” muttered Azuline to herself. She had entered the classroom feeling like an impostor but now she felt she had to persuade herself that she knew better.  It took her a while to break out of the persistent secretary’s office, but she managed to return home in time for tea.

As she buttered a scone and watched a lump of sugar melt and sink in her teacup, she sighed and mused, “Vivant bibliothecae! Once you have a book in your hands and you open it, it generously gives you all it has. It doesn’t keep its secrets and tell you you are a dummy if you don’t know beforehand what it is about. It doesn’t ask you who you are or where you are from. It doesn’t punish you for knowing too much or too little. All it asks of you is that you know how to read, and if you do, it gives you all its knowledge unconditionally. ¡Yes, indeed! ¡Long life to good libraries! ”

“What’s that you’ve said dear?” asked Mama Branna. But before Azuline could answer, her mother had another question for her. “Have you any idea where Esmeraldo is?”

“I’ll go for him now and take him some tea and scones,” answered Azuline. “Don’t worry. He’s just playing at being a pirate, though he does take the game a trifle too seriously.”