333. Oldtime Boogeywoman

 333.  Oldtime Boogeywoman

Eulalie Bloodstone, better known in nurseries as Granny Grimface, was a boogey who had haunted my uncles’  childhoods.

“But she is still active,” said Uncle Gentlerain, who had done some research in the archives of the Prudent Siblinghood of Preventers.

“You mean Old Grimface truly exists? I didn’t think she was for real. I thought we were being made fun of. We never really got to see this woman when we were little. Who would have thought we would get to see her ferocious mug now?” said Uncle Richearth.

“A ****** living nightmare,” muttered Uncle Brightfire.

“She’s not all bad. But it isn’t wise to want to have to do with her," said Gentlerain.

“Is she one of those kiddynappers they scare us with?” asked Neferclari, who had heard her nanny threaten her and her brothers and sisters with all sorts of sinister folks who sequestered children.

“Yes,” said Gentlerain. “But not the average kind. She only abducts kids who have been mistreated by their parents.”

“WHAT?” gasped the Bluebell Twins. “And to top it all she eats the poor abused mites?”

“No! It´s more like she eats their parents,” said Richearth. “She devours parents who batter their kids. I remember Mummy asking us with tears in her eyes if we wanted Grimface to chomp on her when we were being too naughty.”

“I couldn't get the image of that monster jumping at our mother's throat like a wolf out of my mind. I was so afraid one of us might make a mistake and this would happen. Would you like to have your ******** parents  *******eaten, malevolent, wayward kids?”  asked Uncle Brightfire.

“No! No! Nooooo!” cried  Esmeraldo and Azuline and Neferclari in unison. “No, please no!”

“Well, then you ******* mustn’t misbehave! Or your parents will lose it and batter you when you blast their nerves and next thing you know  you’ll be ******** destitute orphans.”

“Sometimes,” said Esmeraldo, thinking  twice, “when I am very angry, I just might wish- ”

“She can’t eat you, Daddy! You’re a good daddy! Good!” cried Azuline, clutching her father’s arm.

“Oh, for  the sky’s blue sake, no, honey!” cried Richearth, hugging Azuline. “That would be all I need. To be eaten at my age by a demented and outraged kiddynapper! How would I explain that to your grandfather? No, honeylamb, that can't happen. ”

“No! Kiddynapper, no! She doesn’t nap kids,” corrected  little Neferclari anxiously.

“Oh, she ******* does,” said Brightfire. “She takes the ******* kids off with her when she’s *******done gobbling up their unlucky, sorely tried parents.”

“And what does she do to the kids?”

“She ******* adopts them. Well, she’s dirt poor, she ******* is, so the ******** kids she naps lose all their **** privileges. Supposing they had any. They could be poor, starving  kids, and be better off with her. But you’re not. So it wouldn’t make sense for you to change your indulgent folks for her. Don’t get your folks angry enough to *******  smack you in a ******* temporary fit of raving madness if you want to keep your status.”

“We don’t rightly know what happens to the kids. But she doesn’t seem to want to be mean to them. Quite the contrary. So we´ll have to ask Fancy Feverfew about this,” said Gentie. “because this old lady seems to have raised Fancy. And Fancy was never to my knowledge eaten. Anyone know anything different?”

“Fancy was raised by Old Grimface? I didn’t know even that,” said Richie. And Fi nodded, and said he did.

“Now that I think of it, why are you guys ******* thinking of taking these kids to see a ******monster? They’re already wailing like a hysterical Greek chorus!” cried Brightfire suddenly. "That fiend is capable of tearing an arm off of each of us if something goes wrong.  He had refused to read out loud the controversial index card his brothers had come to him with, saying he employed sufficient profanity when speaking and there was no need to teach the kids further colourful language.

“It’s not like we planned it, Fufi,” said Richearth. “Things happen. And one thing leads to another. And we’re really here because we thought you might know something about Fancy that we didn’t. Didn’t you date her for a while? Got to know her family?”

“I broke up with her because I was *******scared of her ******gran. I’m not the kind to appeal to **** grans. But I can tell you right out that if that ******** whacko sees it the way I am seeing it, she might just ******* tear a bite off of the three of us in front of these kids! Awful beastly, that granny!”

“Nah!” said Uncle Gentlerain. “Let’s not exagerrate! I haven’t been able to find a record of her having eaten anyone in our archives. And I don’t think she could have erased all trace of her victims. She has taken charge of some abused kids, that fact is established. Don’t cry, children. All you have to do is behave and nothing  bad will happen to anyone.”

“You’re ******* frightening them!” cried Brightfire.

“Plus you are sounding like Pappy again, Gentie!” said Richearth. “I’m about to break into tears myself!”

“Bah!” said Gentlerain. “We are all good people, nothing will happen to us! Eulalie has nothing against us.”

“You’re hearing Uncle Gentlerain,” I, Heather, said, hugging the kids. “He knows a lot about difficult people. We will all be just fine. Nobody has done anything bad!”

“He’s frightened us! That is bad!” said Esmeraldo, pointing at his uncle Gentlerain.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Gemmy,” said Gentlerain. “Nothing can frighten the likes of you!”

And Esmeraldo laughed, because that was rather true. And the Blue Twins took hold of a hand of Neferclari and of Azuline and we all went off to see Fancy Feverfew, to ask her about the woman who had raised her.

“I don’t want anything to do with her! It’s not because she was bad to me, quite the contrary. She saved me from a rotten life. She kept me warm and well clothed and shod and very well fed and talked to me as sweetly as no one ever had before, and never ever harmed me. But when I grew up and fell in love with Umbrian, well, she disapproved of him. And she said he would bring me nothing but trouble. And that he might batter our kids or me. She may have eaten him, now that I think of it! Oh, by Og! How awful!”

And there was no way we could get her to say more, because she couldn’t bear the thought of Umbrian’s having been eaten, so we all left her in her dolmen, certainly wringing her hands and sounding as if she were crunching on her nails, and went off to see on our own Old Granny Grimface, who lived at the top of the tallest tree in Minced Forest. A eucalyptus. Imported from Australia.