336. The Cow, the Grogoch and the Amber Oracle

 336. The Cow, the Grogoch and the Amber Oracle

“Groggy,” said Neferclari, pinning her nose between her thumb and her index finger.

“Of course! She’s right!” said Gentlerain. “He doesn’t live on the island, but he lives among cows and similar creatures.”

So Uncle Gent found out where Groggy was living at the moment and it turned out to be the barn of a human family. And though it was not precisely a convenient place for us to go to, we went there. Not because there are no cows on our island, but because it seemed right. And we were fortunate in that Groggy received us smiling from ear to ear though also stinking as awfully as he usually did, and  we were also fortunate in that we found him precisely tending to a cow and that there were still Peter Keys about the place, which he allowed us to pick for our purpose.

“I’ll replant these at home,” Uncle Rich assured him as he picked a few. “They can’t fade or die while they are with me.” Uncle Rich is the only one of our uncles who is not too afraid of dirt. 

And the uncles let Esmeraldo do the honours of opening the second silver coffer, tapping it lightly with the bouquet of Peter Keys under the warm noon sun. As the box sprung open there was a blast of fanfare and something flew out of it, and before anyone could catch this a cloud from the sky above us descended until it was just over our heads, that is just over our uncles’ heads, for they were the tallest.

“Hi, you three of the five Goodfellow boys!” said a woman whose carefully painted porcelain-like face appeared in the cloud. So did her nattily manicured long-nailed hand, holding an index card. And we knew she had trapped what had flown out of the box. “I know you would have called on me if you had gotten to read what is in this card,” she said, tearing the card in bits and giving them to eat to a raven that sat on her right shoulder.  “So I’m here to spare you the trip and tell you about it.”

“Wise Amber! Hi to you too!” cried my three uncles. “How are you?”

“What does it matter how I am? I’m here, aren’t I? That should be good enough. I needn’t be springing happy for you, need I? Useful should do. Like three hundred years ago, I was at Nick of Time’s workshop ordering stuff I needed when Malina appeared with Umbrian in reluctant tow. While he entertained himself examining a collection of golden cups, Malina whispered to me she was sure Umbrian had only courted Fancy Feverfew because he was under a spell. She insisted it couldn’t have been otherwise. He couldn’t have liked that curdless bowl of tasteless, vomitive whey. I told her whey was tangy, so wrong metaphor she had employed there. I said saltless sea water was more like it. But she never was one for interesting language, except when she took to cussing. And she wasn’t particularly original at that herself, though she was enthusiastic when at it.  She told me to stop speaking nonsense and insisted I prove her right. `I’m here because you are here. I knew you would be and I’ve come to tell you to tell Umbrian he was hexed,’ she said. `He doesn’t believe me. You’re supposed to know almost everything. Surely you know he was hexed. You he will believe. And you are telling him he was wether he was or not. Or else!´ Ah, she wouldn’t have it otherwise.”

A word here about who Wise Amber is. We later learned from our uncles that this lady of enormous prestige is called The Oracle because many people consult her when they need to know something past, present or future. Many people in Fayland have crystal balls and peep creeks and talking heads and boards and such, but for the really difficult questions, they go to Amber. And she gives sound advice aside from almost always informing correctly, though she is an oracle and they can’t be always understood. Ah, and she is interesting to look at. She had big hair that is like red amber. Yes, dark red and a little transparent. It shines like crystal and has a little spider trapped in it since ages ago. Two of her three eyes are the colour of green amber. The third one, which is right in the middle of her forehead, is golden amber at its most magnificent.   

“When I confirmed that she was right, ok, yes, he’s been hexed, Malina made me repeat this before Umbrian. He listened with interest and everyone thought he would explode in anger but though he did explode it was in laughter. He didn’t say a word, but he laughed and laughed and laughed and when Malina made him stop, he refused to be angry with whoever had sprinkled love dust on him. Apparently his experience was good and it made him happy that he had been hexed. He was the last person I thought would be amused by a joke at his own expense, but that went to show you can never tell with some people. Unfortunately this made Malina furious, and she began to berate him viciously. And then he began to retort, and asked her who she thought she was to tell him what he could and couldn’t enjoy, and they had this dreadful fight where first it was words and then snakes and toads they flung at each other – Wow, how they infested the workshop! - and then, when they got to curses, Umbrian vanished. To put an end to the dispute before it got entirely out of hand, we supposed. Left behind, Malina began to swear she would take vengeance herself since Umbrian could not be counted on to. And she disappeared in a blaze of flames, ranting and rambling awful threats. And then an Aurea found something that you will  probably find too, if you’re careful, but not even I noticed what it was or am even now sure about this. And now I have to go.” 

And before we could thank her, Wise Amber went. And so did we, but after thanking Groggy again for the flowers. And where did we go? Well, first to have lunch at Uncle Rich’s plantation and next to find a dark place where we could open the third coffer in no light with a five leaf clover.