152. The Rhine Gold Dwarfs

  

“You know what, Titania?” my father said to my mother. “My first job was head guardian of the gold of the Nibelungs. Back then I was under a spell that didn’t allow me to grow. My parents had fallen foul of a witch who did that to me to hurt them. So Papa and Mama thought it would be best if I went to live with my cousins, the Rhine dwarfs. I wouldn’t feel too out of place there, they thought.”

What my dad was saying was true. Although the witch later repented and lifted the curse, it was too late for him to grow to what should have been his full height. So though he is very handsome, he is shorter than he should have been.

“One day I began to grow again, not as much as I should have, but enough to be out of place among the dwarfs,” continued Dad. “They don’t like being bossed by people who are taller than they are, so I was politely fired. But not before they had made me a shareholder in Rhine Gold Incorporated, a very anonymous corporation.”

Dad put a daisy in his lapel and went on with his story.

“Every month the dwarfs send me a check to pay my dividends. But this month it hasn’t arrived. Is there some kind of traffic jam at the post office? I doubt it, because the mail has been arriving on time ever since my prime minister fell asleep and stopped flooding the postfairies with letters.”

                                          

“I’ve told you many a time not to tell me stories about your German origins,” said Mum. “I don’t like them. I was born English and Queen. Some of us do things right from the very start.”

“I just sent Puck to see why I haven’t received my check,” said Dad.

“And I’m back,” said Puck, materializing before my parents. “I’ve got bad news and...what is probably worse news. Which do you want to hear first?”

“Ufff!” said Dad. “Going from bad to worse is the usual thing, isn’t it?”

“The bad news is the Rhine gold has disappeared. It was last seen drifting towards Switzerland.”

“Oh, not again!” sighed Dad. “What is the worse news?”

“We have no clue why, but the dwarfs are growing out of proportion. They used to be up to my navel, but now they have grown past my shoulders.”

To prove this, Puck had brought with him a couple of Rhine Dwarfs. He said they were already almost as tall as he was and were expected to grow some more overnight.  

                      

“If you look over your shoulder,” said Dad, “you’ll see they are already a head taller than you are. This is going faster than you expected.”

“Why is this bad?” said Mum.

“Because they can’t fit in their beds and it looks like tomorrow they won’t fit in their tunnels,” explained Puck.

“What are we supposed to do about this?” said Dad.

“Does it mean they are going to invade our homes?” said Mum.

“Unless they stop growing,” nodded Puck.

“I’m going to have to build homes for them,” muttered Mum. “Earl and Ludovica will throw a fit when they hear what’s in store for them. It’s too much work!”

“Eh, cousins, how about a beer?” said Dad, leading the German dwarfs off to his home bar.

“It’s not the only problem you might have, my queen,” said Puck to Mum.

“Do tell.”

“Your son Arley’s with his scientific girlfriend at a German university.”

“Studying psychiatry?”

“They are learning to recycle. She seems to be set on becoming the recycling queen of a tribe of Rubbishies.”

“Queen, eh?”

“Only recycling queen. It’s not like she’s trying to overthrow you.”

“You have to start somewhere,” said Mum. “You know very well how hard I have worked to make pleasant homes for all our people in Apple Island, including those ungrateful garbage fairies. Far better homes than they had, too. But they refuse to part with the remains of what was theirs and follow it to dreadful places where they dwell dangerously at odds with humans.”

Mum tries to be fair to everyone but mistrusts those who fail to appreciate her Apple Island project.   

“They are stubborn microscopic mules that insist on remaining in the mortal world, ready to cause all kinds of trouble with the mortals.They can’t understand that the  result of their being mean is that they will degenerate and become like mortals themselves.”

And it goes without saying she mistrusts the humans too. She calls her fear of their devices perception. 

“There will be too many ex-fairies among the humans.They will speed up what they call progress only to kill themselves better and the mess they will make could spatter us.There’s too many of them! And I can’t do anything about that without degenerating myself!”

“Redhood is only recycling junk. That might not be a problem.”

“Think, Puck.. Who does the garbage belong to?”

“Well, that depends on how you look at things. On the one hand I could say the trash belongs to the humans because they, beyond doubt, have made it what it is. But on the other hand, they made it with materials the fairies consider their property.”

“So where do we settle that? In what court? Let’s see what my husband thinks of this you have just told me.”

Dad wasn’t thinking much. He was busy being hospitable and had served the dwarfs and himself huge jugs of beer. They were singing together.

 

                                  “Nun lasst uns aber wie daheim

                                   Jestzt singen unsern Ringelreim...”

                                 “So let us however as at home

                                  Now sing our ring dance rhyme...”

“Obie! Stop fooling with your buddies and come over here to give me your very valuable opinion on Arley’s girlfriend. What do you think of her?”

“Is that still the kid with the little red hood? Oh, cute! A really cute kid and very sweet.”

“Are you saying this because you have been drinking? To begin with, she may not be a kid. We don’t know how old she is. We only know she’s a mad scientist. I don’t trust scientists of any kind.They deny our existence.”

“This one isn’t human, I think. How could she do that?”

“We have no idea what she is except crazy. We haven’t even been able to look her straight in the eyes. Or have you? Have you seen her eyes?”

“Well...no. But I feel they must be big and intense. She has such a sweet voice, it’s what one expects. And a pretty red mouth it comes out from.”

“Are you out of your mind too? I tell you, the least she’s got is crazed eyes. That’s why she always keeps them covered under that hood. It could be worse. She might have mutant alien viper ray eyes that strike you dead on sight. Who knows what she may have done to herself while experimenting?”

                                      

“My mother didn’t like my first girlfriend either,” said Dad.