In the furthest corner of the pub, as away from
the din as possible, was a little oblong coffee table before a leather sofa and
its two matching armchairs.On one of these armchairs sat Mr. Binky stiffly. Salty Boogerbeard had chosen to plant his
bottom on the sofa.The pirate had yet to reveal his intentions.
“Binks, now that we’ve had a couple of drinks and mean to have some more, ´tis
time for a toast!” Boogerbeard raised a tumbler of rum and coke, his favorite
drink, and cried “Here’s to your dream school and its newly found headmaster!”
“Curmudgeon Finn?” said Mr. Binky, giving his
piping hot pumpkin flavored tea spiked with a sprinkle of rum a cautious sip.
“I know he can now read and write, but I’m not sure he will be adequate. This
isn’t a regular school. Its purpose is to teach fairies how to coexist with
humans. What does Finn know about that?”
“Curmudgeon!”
roared Salty, splitting his sides with laughter. “Curdgie Finn indeed! What an idea!” Tears began to
run down his bearded cheeks, mingling with the boogers trapped among the red strands
of facial hair.
Salty’s laughter was non stop. But it was not
contagious. Mr. Binky began to think he would have to throw his tea on the
pirate’s face to calm him. He was much relieved when Salty suddenly went
silent.
But as soon as he had recovered from his bout
of laughter, Boogerbeard began to poke Mr. Binky in the chest with the index
finger of his right hand. Then he wagged the finger at Binky repeatedly and
finally turned it to point at himself.
“’Tis the man before you I am speaking of, Mungo
John! I! I am the man!”
Mr. Binky’s eyes widened a little but it was
soon for him to believe the pirate was serious. After all, Boogerbeard had
been, and still was, drinking.
Perceiving incredulity, Boogerbeard began to
enumerate his merits.
“I taught Curmudgeon how to read! I gave him a
reason to learn. Motivation is what does it. I’m a man of the world. Of the
worlds, with the s of a plural! I’ve
dealt and doubledealt with those thieving, lying and scheming humans all my
fairy life, Binky!” Salty next burst into song. “I’m the top! I’m the best of
teachers! I’m Napoleon brandy and the
Mona Lisa and the tower of Pisa and all that... jazz!”
“Oh,” said Mr. Binky, trying his best to look
unruffled. “Oh, I see. What can I say? Erh, I’m sure you are a born teacher,
Boogerbeard, and one with experience too. But we´ve got to give credit where it
is due, and as I give it to you, I must also give some to Michael, who told
Curmudgeon to watch the miraculous video, and to Curmudgeon himself, who had
the patience and the stamina to watch it over a thousand times. And no offense
meant, so don’t be offended please, but I need someone who..can give the
impression of being a little more...respectable. Not that I don’t respect what
you are. I know you are inded the top in your own specialty.” Mr. Binky always
tries to be diplomatic.
“Binks,” said the pirate, taking the prime
minister by the lapels of his grey jacket and speaking in a very serious, even
and modulated voice, “that is exactly why I want to be headmaster. I want to
turn respectable. I always planned to one day, and that day has arrived. I only
have one condition. I don’t care about the salary or the hours of work
involved. I’ve stolen enough money to keep my coat lined for longer than
eternity. My one condition is that those who flunk get eaten. By boa
constrictors, alligators, sharks from the deep blue sea or me. Your choice. There’s no other way I will do this because this
is the only way motivation works.”
“I don’t see how I can meet that requirement,”
coughed Mr. Binky. “It doesn’t seem fair to make school compulsory and then
devour the underachievers.”
“Name another way of getting people to learn
what they don’t want to!” the pirate let go of Mr. Binky’s lapels and sank back
on the little sofa he was sitting on. He raised his bent legs to it and made
himself comfortable. “You know, I don’t take kindly to being disappointed. If
you don’t see things my way, I’m bound to feel hurt, Binks. And if I feel
slighted, I will most likely find comfort in thinking you aren’t clever enough
to understand me. And that will turn you into a flunkee. And in my territory
flunkees get eaten.”
“Waiter, another barrel of rum and a case of
two litre bottles of coke,” ordered Mr. Binky, hoping the pirate would pass out
if he drank some more. And wake the next morning with amnesia.
Boogerbeard smiled knowingly.
“It’s not just me that will be offended.There’s
lots out there like me who will want to know why I’m not good enough for you
and your sissy school. The Vicious Villains Society will want to know why I
can’t be headmaster of your school. They will file a complaint. And don’t try
to get me drunk so I will forget about this tomorrow. Like I said, I’m
experienced. When you are coming, I am on my way back.”
The Vicious Villains Society is a syndicate of
real and purported evildoers Although there are fanatics among its members, dedicated in heart
and soul to the destruction of kindness, anyone who can pay the member’s quota
is welcome to join. You needn’t even bother to have done or to intend to do
evil to be accepted. All they want from you is your money.
The pirate yawned and laid his head back on an
arm of the sofa, observing Mr. Binky through half-shut eyes.
Mr. Binky took hold of the teapot and served
himself a little more tea.
Suddenly Boogerbeard began to laugh like crazy.
He put a plush velvet cushion under his head and another on his belly and
spread his booger-stained beard all over the second cushion, laughing hilariously
all the while to himself.
“Ohh, Binky, you don’t understand my sense of
humor,” he cried finally. With a twinkle in his eye, he added, “You’re getting
deathly pale! It’s a joke, mate! Someone like me has better things to do than
be a teacher!”
Mr. Binky was not sure if the pirate had been
joking before or if he were joking now.
“Since you’ve been sneaky and gotten me drunk,
I will reveal to you my secret plans,” said Boogerbeard. “It´s my way of thanking
you for buying me drinkies. I mean to bring gas and electricity to Bumps’
Island. I’m going to build power stations there so those nitwits can live by
night without losing more neurons. On a sunny island like that, they don’t need
artificial lighting. It´s like selling ice to the Eskimos. But since the Bumps
are stupid, let them pay high bills and make me rich. Richer.”
Curmudgeon Finn came and sat on the vacant
armchair. Since he had learned reading skills he read nothing but The Fay Economist and The Financial Fairy Times. It turned out
he was in cahoots with Captain Boogerbeard. He explained to Mr. Binky that he
was going to supervise the construction of the power plants and see to it
nothing was stolen while the building was going on. He would be in charge of
security on the island and Salty would give him a percentage of the benefits.
“Curmudgeon, you hunk!” hiss-clucked Basiliska,
overhearing her ex-boyfriend and slinking up to peck his ear. “How nice to see
you again!”
“I’m going to call this progress, Binky,” said
Boogerbeard, winking an eye at the prime minister. “Want to invest?”
But Basiliska was not the only eavesdropper
around. If it has to do with Mr. Binky, the Leafies are always on guard.
“Binky is conspiring with developers!” hissed
Leafy Thaddeus. “Get them!”
Of course, as Michael apologized the morning
after to Lira when he showed up to pay for the party and the damages his guests
had caused, it wouldn’t have been one of his Halloween parties if there hadn’t
been a fight.
Lovely Lira felt sorry for her brother-in-law.
“You needn’t pay for the damages. We’re used to riots here,” she lied out of
pity. There is no pub with a quieter atmosphere than The Jealous Merrow’s. The
seas are always calm there, and rare is a storm.
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