220. Winter Flowers

220.  Winter Flowers   

We were sitting on a tree in Minced Forest. Alpin and I.

Alpin was bored. And I was trying to think of something I could do to entertain him without causing problems. And I was blocked and not getting any ideas.

“I still think it’s mean of you not to do something for your cousin Epon. He doesn’t even have the company of his mares anymore. He’s probably sitting all alone at the top of his mountain eating his heart out. You should call those guys who carry one off in a straitjacket and have him sent to a loony bin. Why don’t you get in touch with Dr. Freud?”

“He wants it this way,” I said.

“It’s not like you to throw the towel, Arley. Why are you giving up on this? Don’t you want Epon among us? Are you scared he will outshine you if he comes to see reason? Or is it that you are scared he will embarass you and your family? Gossips are still talking, though they are now quite divided on this subject. I think those who no longer believe Epon is your parents’ kid are the majority.”

“Say you are part of the ******* majority, ****** brat, or I’ll barbecue you!”

The person who said that was my uncle Brightfire of course. He appeared before us, his hair in flames which he promptly put out because we were within Minced Forest and he didn’t want to cause a fire. His hair became normal hair again, though it still looked fiery.

 “Of course I am,” said Alpin. “I heard Arley’s dad say he was too chicken to play a joke like the  you –love-a-donkey-trick on his wife. And he also said the was also too jealous. Are you happy now?”

 “If I weren’t I would be roasting you on a spit, you ******* chicken yourself.”

I was thinking how I could remove Alpin from my uncle’s company befored things heated up worse, but Uncle Brightfire spoke before I could say a word.

“Come with me. Both of you.”

And before more could be said, Uncle Fi transported us to Epon’s place. The barn was still there and so was the pen, but the latter was now empty. There was no sign of the waxworks either. And Epon was not in sight.

“Your father suggested I build an impenetrable iron wall around this place so none of the predators Epon fears will come for him can do that and he will feel safe.  And I was to make this place as invisible as possible too. But I’m not here for that. I’ve had a better idea.”

“What kind of an idea could be better?” asked Alpin. “Are you going to immolate Epon in his barn and end this miserable affair once and for all?”

Uncle Fi didn’t bother to answer. He began to shout, “Epon, you apprentice donkey, come out from wherever you are hiding!”

When Epon came out of the barn dragging his feet, Uncle Fi said he had plans for him.

“A change of residence? You’re sending me among the humans or to hell? I don’t know if I want that,” said Epon.

“Of course you ******* don’t. Nobody wants that. And don’t confuse me with Old Nick. I’m sick of being taken for what I am not. I don’t have any contacts in hell and couldn’t send you there if I wanted to. And it takes more than one person’s ******* vote to send someone among the ****** humans. Where am I taking you? You’ll see when we get there.”

And suddenly all four of us were standing on the oval gallery that goes  round Grandfather Aeternus’ mansion.

“AEternus wants to see me?” said Epon, amazed.

“No way, miserable wretch! That’s the last thing my father would want, so don’t go thinking you are important to him. But he’ll get to hear about you, I guarantee you that. This is on me. You’ll make it to the front pages of the newspapers. Now, the donkeys don’t *******want you anywhere near them,” said Uncle Fi. “They are all free in our world, and happy to roam in the forever spring fields, grazing on violets. They only work when they want to, doing a favor to whomever they want to. That won’t be you. Because you are not a happy, carefree creature, and nobody wants dismal people around. So forget your wildest dreams of being an ass among asses and face crude reality, you little piece of ****.”

“Uncle, don’t speak like that to Epon,” I said. “I can’t put up with it.”

“Why not?” said Uncle Fi. “Is it that I’m lying?”

“When you say such things, it’s as if Epon will never be able to find a solution to his problems. But he can.”

“You bet he can. You know what creatures like Epon are good for? They can become heroes.  Take a step forward and enter my father’s garden, Epon. Step down from the porch and get into the grass and chomp on the blooming winter blooms that so spunkily blossom all over this peerless garden. Do it now. You’ll find them both over and under the snow.”

That was true. The garden was rife with winter flowers.

“But Botolph will have poisoned them!” I cried.

“And that will be the reason why Botolph will finally have to leave these gardens. The moment Epon kicks the bucket, that fellow is out. And we will have recovered the garden for ouselves. What? Victory! You don’t see how I’m killing two birds with one ******* stone? ”

I was aghast and said so.

“Not to worry, Arley. Even this guy won’t be stupid enough to do what your uncle suggests,” scoffed Alpin.

“Do it now!” shouted Uncle Fi, shoving Epon into the garden.

I grabbed Epon by the arm and dragged him back onto the gallery.

“No, Arley,” said my uncle. “We have no time to hesitate. He has to do it now. I don’t know where your pusillanimous uncle Gen finds the time to rain or snow on these gardens, detoxing them twice a day, but he does that.  Epon has to eat before Gen cleans the place up again.”

“I’m thinking maybe I want to do this,” said Epon to me.

“Of course you do! The potent blast of the trumpet of fame will be all about you  for a day or two, man of the moment!” said Uncle Fi to Epon.  “And it’s not likely you will have to buy the farm. There will be those who won’t allow you to do that. Arley among them. Alright, Arley, we’ll negotiate.  You just let this poor creature be on the verge of passing away horrendously before you save him while I film this and send it to the not so gentlemanly people of the yellow press.”

I tried to reason with Epon and Uncle Fi saying that Epon could fall into a comatose state that could last forever. Dying is not common among us, but that other possibility, sleeping forever, has been known to happen to fairies with a certain frequency. But Uncle Fi said if that happened to Epon, it would only turn him into a martyr for the cause against Botolph. We would raise a monument to Epon right there in the garden, a grand tumulus, and keep his dormant body in it and everyone would want to come to put flowers on the monument and Botolph wouldn’t be able to keep the mourners out because if AEternus didn’t boot Botolph, people would keep coming in droves, public indignation being truly powerful when one knows how to manipulate it. Of course, once Botolphus  was gone, there would be a decline in Epon’s popularity, but we would still come place flowers on his monument once a year ourselves.

“Sure,” said Alpin. “I’m beginning to get the picture. All the little kids who will play here, generation after generation, will forever lovingly keep your tomb decorated, Epon, with their own dainty little hands. Dulce et decorum est-”

“Shut up, Alpin!” I cried. “You don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“Why don’t you want to give this insignificant jackstraw a chance to do something good for the fairy world, Arley?” Uncle Fi asked me.

“He can do better!” I protested. “We’ll find something good he can do without ruining his life.”

“We’re done speaking!” shouted Epon. “I’m doing this!”

And he jumped into the garden and got on all fours and began to munch like mad on the Christmas hellebore roses and the winter heather.

“Stop!” I hollered, while Alpin began to laugh his head off and Uncle Fi tried to film the scene.

I jumped into the garden and grabbed Epon’s arm, and he turned and bit mine, and I shouted “Ouuuuuch!” because the bite of a man who thinks he is a jackass is no laughing matter and he began to go hee-haw like mad. I jumped back to the gallery when Grandpa AEternus suddenly appeared at a window and yelled, “What is going on down there?”

“****!” said Brightfire. “Why did you intervene so soon, Arley?”

“BOTOLPHUS!” shouted Grandpa. “BOTOOOOOOLPHUS!”

The gnome appeared, very surly-faced, and stood before the window.

“Now what do you want?” growled the gnome to Grandpa.

“I don’t know yet!” said Grandpa. “Who is that munching on my roses?”

I shouted up to Grandpa how Epon was Lucerna’s kid and how he wasn’t right in the head.

“But why is he destroying my garden? Why is he even here?”

I didn’t want to tell him about Brightfire’s plans, so I just stammered, “He…he doesn’t have a decent place to…to live in, and he likes flowers, so when he saw this garden…please stop him from eating poison! But please do it kindly!”

Grandpa turned to the gnome and asked, very, very sweetly,  “Tell me, Botolph, have you poisoned my garden?”

“Of course!” roared Botolphus, as if doubt offended.

“Well, give that poor creature whatever you take so as not to die from handling poisons yourself. Be patient with this person, because he’s going to be your assistant from now on. You can employ him as a bothy boy or whatever you need. Let him live in the small refuge next to your house. ”

“You’re the boss!” said Botolphus, and he led Epon away by the arm.

“I’ve done it kindly, haven’t I?” Grandpa called down to me.

“I suppose so,” I said.

“Good!” said Grandpa, and he pulled away and shut the window.

“Cynic!” spat Brightfire. “This man…how does he do it? He always manages to make things worse.”

“Do you think Epon will be able to work here? I mean, he might not get along with Botolphus.”

“Oh, yes he will!” said Uncle Brightfire. “You can bet your *** he’s going to love living here! You think your grandpa doesn’t know what he is doing? We wanted one whacko out of the gardens and now we´ll have two working on poisoning it! ****! ****! ****! ”

Uncle Brightfire suddenly broke into flames and I said, “Don’t get worked up, Uncle Fi! You could hurt yourself!”

My uncle stopped blazing and said, “It’s your uncle Gen who will be swearing in Aramaic when he hears of this.”

“Look, I know I don’t like what has happened here any more than you do. But let’s look at it this way, at least for the present. You’ve found Epon a home and a job you think he will like. And you haven’t had to take the trouble to build the iron fence that would have isolated him. You haven’t done so badly.”

“Bah!” said Uncle Fi. “Do you want me to cauterize your wound?”