253. Find and Harass Arley Day

 253. Find and Harass Arley Day

“Pssst!”

That was Dad, lurking behind a branch in a clump of elms.

“I have to play golf with Grandpa, Dad. I can’t be late,” I said.

“You have ten minutes. I am timing you.”

“Oh, for the love of Og! Why?”

“Has your grandpa made you an offer?”

“What kind of an offer? No, no kind. He’s not made any kind of offers.”

“He’s going to ruin your life any day now. Look, Arley. He tried with Atty. But Atty failed him when he decided to worship at The Cat’s Meow Temple. Now you may have heard the wicked tongues murmur that your grandfather had an affair with the cat and that is why he didn’t approve of Atty’s choice of a girlfriend.”

“I’ve heard nothing of the kind. Not until you just told me.”

“I didn’t tell you. I’m telling you none of that is true. Your grandfather is very straitlaced. He would never have an affair with someone who doesn’t belong to his own generation, and the cat is his niece’s daughter, two branches away on the family tree, so that’s out of the question. What I am telling you is something totally different. When he was little, Atty was always asking people if they needed him to go on quests for them. You grandpa always needs to have people doing what he should be doing himself, so he was very pleased with Atty. Before Atty was born, he would have wrapped Gen up, tied him up with a silk bow and all, and gifted him to himself. Ah, my little brother would have done very nicely for AEternus. But AEternus has had tiffs with Gen, and won’t forgive him for having a mind of his own now and again. And your grandpa was always expecting Gen to tell Celestial he was no longer interested in having her for a mother. But Gen never did. He went Up North dutifully every year. And you know how awful it is up there. For someone like Gen, of course, who doesn’t drink much beer. AEternus doesn’t think much of divided loyalty. You know that. He will never forgive Gen, nor Atty either. He made Wildgale’s life a mess, but he never really thought of Wildie as anything but a bodyguard for Richie. Now it is looking like it is you he will want to take his shilling. He’s just sent you to hell, hasn’t he?”

“No. That was Uncle Richearth who took me there. Grandpa only asked me to teach Feeseepkee to  play golf. Then things got complicated. What do you think will become of Feeseepkee? He’s supposed to be incapable of creating monsters now. But Brana doesn’t remember she accepted him for a son. And Aunt Nekutarin says Feeseepkee is older than a dozen four hundred year old spiders put together. Only that he’s been buried in the ground all the while and was never activated, like some kind of a stray bomb. She says Brana cannot legally adopt him. You can’t adopt anyone older than you. Not for a child.”

“That’s true, but you know how truth doesn’t always matter. Julius Caesar is younger than I am and he insisted on adopting me and making me Roman. And he got Morgan le Fay to adopt me too. Is Brana stubborn? She might insist on retaining the Badseeds even if he is ages older than she is.”

 “She’s pretty reasonable, considering who her relatives are.”

“And the bushi?”

“What bushi?”

 “Your heroic Uncle Gentlerain. Is he going to help the spider lady deal with her wrath? I’m already seeing him dessed like a samurai, ready to destroy the spider woman if he can’t release her from whatever curse she may be under. Will they be playing at psychiatrists?  Because if he is, I am telling Titania so she will tell his wife. Mabel will probably do nothing about this, because Mabel has raspberry slushy in her veins. She doesn’t have the least idea how to belabour a husband. You know what? I sometimes wish I had married that woman. She would never get in my way.”

“I think she’s perfect for a wife too, though mostly for other reasons. No, I don’t think Uncle Gen will do anything about Lady Hiku. Aunt Nekutarin made him promise not to interfere. The Japanese don’t need one more bushi. They can deal with their own monsters. Aunt Nekutarin is very fond of Uncle Geni, isn’t she? They seem to have a soft spot for each other.”

“All the old ladies dote on  Gen. Except the Hag of the Rag.”

 “Who is that?”

“You don’t want to know. She won’t like you either. Now listen Arley, it’s very difficult to spy on AEternus. Especially when he is at his golf club. Those three guys he has running the place make it beyond impossible.”

“What three guys?”

“Rhabarbarum and Marrubium, to start with.”

“I have to beware of the bartender and his twin brother?” I was genuinely surprised.

“Lares are of the lineage of Mercury. They can be everywhere at the same time and do like fify things in a jiffy while they are on the move. And the Mercurians are the patron gods of mafiosi!”

“Dad, you have to be exaggerating. All Rhubarb does is sulk behind the counter. He sighs like a put upon slave even when he has to pour a whiskey. No ice, no water, just whiskey and he acts exploited."

"Act is right. All for show. Classical drama. Greek theatre. Make no mistake, those guys would kill for your grandfather."

 "And who is the third dangerous person?”

“The fat guy who looks after the green.”

“I’ve never even seen that one. Are you sure he exists?”

“Ah, but Mr. Green sees you, Arley. He has more eyes than Argos and he hates music. He never takes a nappie. He’s all over the place. Watch out.”

“I’m to watch out for an invisible plump fellow with a hundred eyes?”

“He looks like a benign Silenus. Ah, he never drinks. And he never chases women. Or anything but hares, to shoo them off the course. Puck hates him.”

“Okay, so I’ll do that. I’ll be wary of the lares and the satyr or whatever he is. And of the hag of the rag, whoever that is. You’ve scared me right properly, Dad. Can I go now?”

“It’s AEternus you have to be wary of. If he makes you an offer, think twice before accepting. This could ruin your life.”

“I have a life?”

“That’s what your grandpa is counting on. Your insatisfaction.”

“Can I ask you something? Why do all these things bother you? You never do anything about anything.”

“My job is to do nothing, yes. But I also have to make sure no one else does. That includes your grandpa.”

“You are not to worry, Arley,” said Grandpa, when I entered his golf course. “I am not going to ask you to take my shilling. Not today. Maybe not even this summer. You can  go on working for your puerile Uncle Gen. By the way, the Unchagedling you are in charge of is complaining vilely about you. He wants to know where you are going to take him this summer. He says it is high time you decided that. He is in the vicinity, searching for you right now. I can’t concentrate with that kid ranting nearby. We´re not playing today. Go give him what he wants.”

“It’s my off day, Grandpa,” I protested.

“Then turn him into a turnip till tomorrow. Whatever. Before you leave, say hi to Vertumnus, will you? I believe I haven’t introduced  you to each other. Show yourself,  Vertie.”

Vertumnus Viridis has to be the hundred-eyed fat fellow Dad complained about. He looks exactly like Dad said he would. Like an abstemious Silenus. No sign of the hundred eyes, though.       

“Hi. Pleased to meet you,” I said.

“I appreciate the way you fly over the grass whenever you can instead of stepping on it,” said Vertie. Ah, there were the hundred eyes!

And I left  so Alpin could find me. But the next person that accosted me wasn’t him.

I was walking slowly, a little giddy because of Dad’s endless chatter and Grandpa’s making me nervous because of having overheard us, when…

“Boo!”

I stopped dead in my tracks, and for a second my heart stopped too.

“Oh, for the love of Og, Aunt Jocosa!” I cried when I recovered my speech. There before me, laughing her head off at having given me such a fright, just like the madwoman she is,  was Mum's cousin Jocosa. Aunt Jocosa is the palest fairy I know, more transparent than many a ghost. It is no wonder she is able to spook people out just by making a sudden and  unexpected apparition and booing a bit. I met her for the first time at my Name Day Party. I was standing in a queue to board a merry-go-round when I felt something cold run down my back. Aunt Jocosa had dropped a piece of ice into my shirt. I pretended not to notice and she had to tap me on the shoulder and say, “I dropped some ice down your back. Ha, ha!”

From that day on, I avoid Aunt Jocosa as much as I can. Even so, she has managed to pull a few chairs from under me before I could sit on them. At least, she has never managed to stick me to one with glue, like she once did to my brother Malrose. She is, in my opinion, possibly the silliest person I know who is allowed to roam freely. And the only person I know whose jokes are more annoying is Kevin, the court jester, who should definitely be in captivity. I must say he is meaner than she is, but she has friends who can outdo Kevin in nastiness now and again. Kevin and Jocosa and her crowd sometimes compete in pestering people. They are disgustingly competitive, and only happy if they are holding both their sides.  

“What can I do for you, Aunt Jocosa?” I asked her.

“Let’s do this properly,” she said. “First give me a kiss of greeting, like a good nephew.”

It was just as I thought it would be. When I tried to kiss her cheek, her ear spouted soapy water in my eyes.

“Very funny,” I said, rubbing them clear of soap as best I could.

“Wasn’t it? Ha, ha! Do you want to know how it’s done? Ha, ha ha!” she asked me, cracking up.

“Not just now,” I answered. And I again asked her what she wanted.

“How is my Cathy doing? I know you’ve been with her.”

“Very well,” I said, “to all appearances. I think she’s doing just fine.”

“And is that charming boy with her?”

“If you mean Atty, he was with her last night. But I suppose you already know, or you wouldn’t be asking me to confirm this.”

“Can Atty take a joke? Or has he swallowed a broomstick to stiffen his back? He may need to, to be with Cathy. She’s so dour.”

“Atty? He’s mostly serious. Like Cathsheba.”

“Tell him to be good to my daughter. I know that as her parent, I should speak to him and lecture him about how he had better treat my daughter right or I will hex him and I want to do that,  but I can’t. I would titter and snigger at all the solemn things I would have to say. And then again, not everyone wants me for a mother-in-law. I’ve frightened off a number of my girl’s beaus. Not on purpose, fortune forbid! I miss Cathy. She left home to join a sect, you know.”

“She seems quite independent to me. She lives on her own and  I’ve seen her roaming the forest, doing what she will.”

“That’s what this sect is about.”

“The Cat’s Meow?” Dad had mentioned something like that.

“The Temple of the Great Cat. She says she sought sanctuary there. It is  quite cute, the place is. But they have no sense of humour there. Only slews of cuteness.”

“Where is that?” asked Alpin, suddenly appearing from behind some bushes. “I want to visit it.”

“Why?” I asked him. “What could you learn there? You already know how to do as you please.”

“If it's a sect, they probably give out free food to attract and gain new members. We'll eat till we burst and then leave without having given those thieving rascals a fay penny.”

And he began to reproach me, yelling that the summer was half over and I hadn’t taken him anywhere.

“What is today?” I complained, losing my patience with everyone. “Find Arley and Harass Him Day?”