271. Alpin's Wedding

271. Alpin’s Wedding

“Kid, what’s happened to you? Have you gone Gothic?”

It was the addition of Angelmouse and the shadow of his own spread wings to my two umbrae that made Patty Intrepida ask me that.

“Halloween is over, you know. Or don’t you? Boy, you must have gotten really stoned at the party if you aren’t aware of that.”

“No. I don’t do that. None of that."

"Yes, I've noticed what you do is control."

 "It’s just that I have this new friend.”

“Tell me all about yourself,” said Patty, turning on Angelmouse.

“Non mi piace,” said Angelmouse in his teensy, quivering little voice.

“What? Are you Italian?”

“Leave him be, Patty. He’s just a kid who was on his own. And now he’s with me.”

“You’re a father now? Of a bat boy? Does he bite?”

“No! Fortune forbid! He has parents. They…they are just…not functional. But he’s doing fine on his own, don’t bother him about that, will you Intrepida? Or about anything.”

“If you want to hide this, there must be something behind it,” insisted Patty. “I at least have to know if he’s a vampire. They aren’t allowed in Apple Island, you know.”

“All he eats is overripe fruit. Leave him be, will you?”

“Non mi piace,” said Angelmouse, pointing at  Patty  with a wagging finger and then shaking his head.

“At least tell me what your name is, Bat Babe. If you do, you’ll be in the socialites’ sections and not in the criminal suspects news.”

“Will you stop harassing my bat? I mean, my friend, Angelmouse Belfry Grey the Third,” I protested.

“Ah. Ok, Grigio, how does it feel to be a foreigner in Apple Island? Do you like this island better than your own country or not? Which is better?”

“He’s not a foreigner. He’s a perfectly respectable bat fairy who happens to speak Italian. He’s Batty Belfry’s kid. You may have heard of her. She was Mrs. Dullahan’s schoolmate.”

“How can that be? There are no schools in Fairyland. Just libraries and a host of volunteer vocational teachers. Is his mum human? Or an out-of-our-worlder? ”

“Well, not schoolmate exactly. But she and Aislene Dullahan learned to read together at St. Job’s library.”

“Well, I hate to have to say this, but if his mother was friends with Mrs. Dullahan, she might not be very respectable. Ex demon bride for a friend and all that scandal about her like a fog, you know.”

“Patty, I’m losing my patience with you. Excuse us, but we’re going to just disappear.”

“Ok, I’ll just tell the society news people that this kid is in town. Where will he live? Does he have an ideal home?”

“I hadn’t thought of that. No, he hasn’t claimed one just yet. He lives in the attic of my mum and dad’s joint palace. Like I do.”

“You live in the attic?”

“No, on the third floor. Why am I even telling you this?”

“When you rid yourself of the kid tonight, why don’t you come have a faux lobster dinner with me? Candlelight, music, flowers. You like faux lobster, don’t you?”

“You want me to buy you faux lobster?”

“No! My boss would pay for dinner. I just think it’s high time you and I get together and have a pleasant evening’s chat. Shall we?”

“No, I don’t think so. Because you are crafty and guileful and make me feel like a simpleton. And that makes me scared of you. What do you want, Patty? Oh, I shouldn’t have even asked!”

“Not to worry, chappie. If I had to choose one among Titania's sons, the guy I admire and who is convenient for me is Ces. You would be surprised all that chap learns just overhearing as he hides in the bushes. And what patience he has! Sitting there, and sitting there, waiting for something to happen. Still, there is a reason that makes me take an interest in you, Arls. You play golf with your grandpa. And are therefore allowed into his golf club, where nobody else is. Ces isn’t. What’s it like in there, Arley?” 

“I’m not spying on Grandpa for you, Patty.”

“Non mi piace per niente. Niente!” glowered Angelmouse, making faces at Patty, like a disapproving old lady.

Patty laughed.

“Look, Junior, I’m just doing my job. I inform. And to inform, I have to learn. Not invent. It’s nothing personal,” she said to Angelmouse, who only glowered more deeply.  “Ah, well, we’ll see. Meanwhile, Arley, tell me. Is your insatiable absent friend really going to marry poor Betabel, like his mother most loudly lamented he would at Michael’s Halloween party?”

“It looks like yes,” I said. “So I suppose I can say it’s likely.”

“Why will she have him?”

I shrugged.

“What has he threatened Betabel with? Is it blackmail or death?”

“I don’t think he’s had to do anything like threaten her. She just wants to do this.”

“You mean like love is blind? She’s that stupid?”

Again I shrugged.

“When is the wedding?”

“The proposal party is scheduled for right now,” said Alpin, popping up before us. “And Arley is running late for it. So shut up and leave him be or tag along with us if you want to cover this!”

I had told Alpin that Betabel’s old relatives in the hills were people one could visit any time one wanted to. There was no need to ask for an appointment because they were always at home and never went beyond their front and back yards. He did not take warning from what I said and didn’t see that this meant they weren’t the kind of people he would care to meet. And he didn’t let me speak my mind either.  So he just fixed a date himself, and that day had come, and now he and Betabel and Patty Intrepida and Angelmouse and I headed for the northern hills.

“Why is that hideous kid still lagging behind you?” Alpin asked me.

“Because he doesn’t fit into my coat pocket unless he shrinks, and because he doesn’t need to be carried in my backpack. And he's not hideous at all. He´s a perfectly good-looking bat fairy.”

“No. I mean, why doesn’t he shoo himself away? I know you’re a pansy and won’t shoo him off, but he has to know he’s not wanted.”

“Who says he’s not?”

“I haven’t invited him to my proposal party.”

“If he can’t come, I won’t go.”

Alpin sighed, “That settles that. But, boy, will I be glad to no longer need you, Arley!”

He was under the impression that by marrying Betabel he would no longer need to be watched, but my Uncle Gen simply said I would be free, because someone else would watch Alpin from a distance, like the preventers did with the worst people.

So we got to the Northern Hills and after flying from one to another finally found the one where the people we were seeking lived.  

“Hicks!” I heard Alpin mutter, finally realizing who he was about to deal with. His face showed he had not expected this, though his wife to be was a shepherdess. He had probably thought these people would be more like the prosperous gentleman farmer he had for a brother-in-law, and not far worse off than Malrose and Sweet Cicely.

We didn’t spend a long time at the Bent Couple’s hut. I call them the bent couple, because though they had wings, all they did was wobble and hobble about their place with their canes, bent from the waist to be able to move on that steep hill.

“Betabel sent us a message so we were expecting you would fly by at any moment. We’ll drink to your health and to your union. May it last as long as ours is lasting, and may yours and ours last and last forever,” said Procopious Bent.

“The girl’s family hosts the proposal party, welcoming the suitor, and the groom hosts the wedding, welcoming the bride. That’s how its done in my part of the world,” said Alpin. “Both are welcoming parties. Let’s see what you have prepared for me. Though appearances bode no good.”

I didn’t know what he was talking about. Most fairy parties are everyone brings something parties.

And then Angelmouse, who had been chatting with some animals while we were introducing ourselves, said the house mice and the goats and other creatures had prepared a song they would sing while they served us refreshment. There were two rocking chairs, both made of wood which was rotting due to being permanently exposed to the elements, in front of the door to the hut. Deambula Bent drove a worm and some leaves off one of the chairs and said Alpin should sit on it, for he was the guest to be honoured. The rest of us guests sat on the ground. Procopius and the Bent Couple said they would stand, but I made a bench appear, with much difficulty, because it wasn’t easy to do that sort of magic up there. And with much difficulty too the Bent couple sat on it. Then the animals who wanted to honour Alpin and Betabel with a song began to sing as they brought forward the food of which we were to partake.

“Ch of ch, ch of ch, ch of cheese it ´tis!” sang two goats, carrying a bowl of cottage cheese and dancing kicking up one back leg and then the other so it looked like the bowl would drop or the cheese slop down.

“Br of br, br of br, br of bread it ´tis!” sang three country mice bringing slices of bread in a bread basket as they twirled about among us.

“Ho of ho, ho of ho, ho of honey, it ‘tis!” sang a donkey, bearing a jar of honey on his back. A small swarm of bees danced round his head, which was covered by a worn hat.

“Mi of mi, mi of mi, mi of milk it ´tis!” sang two cats, bearing a jug of milk a cow had just contributed.

“E of e, e of e, e of egg, it ´tis!” barked two dogs and clucked a hen. They brought us a load of boiled eggs.

For the first time in my life I saw Alpin lay his eyes on food and not touch it.

“Listen, Betabel,” he said, taking her hand. “I promise to keep an eye on you and concern myself with keeping you out of trouble. Yes, I've promised to protect you. Now, make it easy for me. You must promise to always do as I say. Do it.”

Betabel nodded.

“That’s it. We´re married. You saw us!” he shouted at all those present. “You’re witnesses!”

And he turned to me and said,  “I no longer need you. I’m over seven and married. Stay away from us.”

And he made himself and Betabel disappear.

“Is he always that impatient?” asked Deambula, pointing at the spot where Alpin had disappeared.

“Yes,” I said. I supposed I had to ask her not to hold this against him, but I was finding it hard to.

“Non mi piace,” said Angelmouse, tugging at Deambula’s sleeve and pointing at the same spot.

Fortunately, Deambula didn’t speak Italian, and Patty surprised me by coming to our rescue.

“That cheese looks like the ultimate stuff! Can I have some?”

She said this while already serving herself some on a piece of bread and going yummy so loudly that everyone laughed.

“He’s seen he is never going to have the bombastic wedding he dreamt he would,” Patty whispered to me in an aside. 

I have to say she did all she could to make the Bent couple and the animals forget they had been slighted. She tasted all the food and praised every morsel, though it was freezing cold she took off her shoes and danced with the cats and the mice on the damp grass till she was worn out. She even got me to dance too, no mean feat. She rode the donkey. She made everyone laugh  trying to heehaw louder than he did. And when she paused to breathe, nearly exhausted,  Angelmouse surprised us by suddenly breaking into song. 

“Libiamo, libiamo, ne’lieti calici, che la belleza inflora e la fuggevol, fuggevol ora s’inebril a volutta!”

He sang the whole drinking song from La Traviata in fascinating falsetto, toasting with a wooden cup of milk. All the animals cheered like mad, especially the mice. A star was born in those hills.    

When the sun began to set, we said goodbye to our hosts and thanked them for the banquet they had served us. We promised the animals we would take messages from them to their city cousins, and we left.

“Patty, I have to admit you have done very well today,” I said. 

"Sure. Heidi couldn't have done better."

“And I must say I am happy you tagged along, for you’ve been a jolly good fellow. So jolly good that I am going to be imprudent and  invite you to have dinner with me and my brothers, if you please. It’s Friday. Cespuglio will be present.”

“Mi piace," laughed Pati. "But tell me, what are you going to do now that Alpin is no longer your problem? Are you going to fall into a depression again?”

“No, I don’t think so. I do other things now, not just watch over Alpin. So I suppose I will go on doing them. I’ll find more stuff to do too.”

And I did find something else to do. Because Patty and my brothers and Angelmouse and I were not the only ones to have pizza together that night. Surprisingly my uncle Gentlerain showed up and dined with us. And after we dropped Patty at her ideal home, he said he had a job for me if I wanted it. But I had to think before accepting, because it was dangerous.