301. The Theft of the Wig

301.The Theft of the Wig

"Alló!"

“Oh, please! Brushland, what a fright you have given us breaking in here like you have!” exclaimed Divina. “Why such vehemence?”

“I am the one who has suffered a fright!” answered the man who had burst into the parlour. “Pity me, Divine Lady! A blinking bird crashed on my head and my heart almost stopped beating!”

“Well, surely that is all over now, and you seem to be none the worse for it,” responded Divina.

“None the worse? None the worse! That bird has stolen my wig!”

“What do you mean stolen your wig? What is that you have…on your head?”

“My hair.”

“That colossal head of hair is yours? Then why would you be wanting a wig?”

“Ah, call your husband AEternus, for he knows very well why I wear a wig. Or wore. Because it has been stolen, Lady Divina!”

“The bird carried it off, you say? Where to?”

“That is just what I would like to know! Let’s see if your husband can tell us!”

“My husband…I don’t see him stealing wigs, really. I don’t think it would be like him at all to do that. But, of course, if he has, well he must have one of his crazy reasons, the kind none of us can begin to understand.”

“No, AEternus wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t steal my wig. He gave it to me himself. He said I had to always wear it.”

“Really! But why do you pay attention to the silly things AEternus says? As if you needed a wig! As if he didn’t have anything better to gift you with! What an idea! No, pay no attention whatsoever to the nonsense my husband says, dear.”

Then Malvinio spoke up.

“I have always wondered why this client insisted on wearing a wig with such a fine hair of head as he has. When he would bring me the wig to decent it up, he wouldn’t take his eyes off it. As if I might steal or spoil it. He would claim it the second I was done, as if he couldn’t be without it on his head for long. Have you any idea why this is, Divina?

“I? I have any idea why my husband does the stupid things he does? This is just one of AEternus’s follies, that´s what it is! One of his many obliquities! He gets these weird ideas out of the blue and does inexplicable things!”

And then, suddenly, Bigwig Brushland fell on his knees and begged Lady Divina to invoke AEternus, because he himself was in no state to call anyone personally. Surely he would rant and rave and be unable to explain himself properly. He was about to have a nervous breakdown, being nobody without his wig, and he felt he was about to throw a fit. And that is what he did. 

He began to quake and tremble and shake and to huff and pant as if he had been stricken by the seven evils and next he fell to the floor and began to pull at his hair and tear off locks of his hair  and push some of them into his mouth as if trying to swallow them. And he even broke into an interminable attack of hiccups.  

Now, the Lady Divina had no desire to call on her husband at that moment, so she took immediate hold of her crystal ball and contacted Henny Parry. The kind-hearted apothecary appeared before her in an instant.

“Have you ever had to act as a headshrinker, darling?”Divina asked Henny. “Please take the fellow who is rolling on the floor away before he does himself harm and do whatever you can for him. And if you are on speaking terms with my husband, do call him if you need to.”

 Henny had just left taking Bigwig off with him when AEternus himself showed up at the beauty parlour. He cast a glance about him and not finding anything out of place save for a few locks of Bigwig's hair that had yet to be swept away, he growled, “Now what?”

“Hey, I haven’t invoked you!” responded Divina.

And before she could say more, AEternus noticed the hairdos of his wife and their two great granddaughters.

“You look beautiful,” he said to Divina. “But why the dickens is that blue little girl carrying a squamata flower on her head? Nothing to do with reptiles, child!”

“Oh, please, AEternus! She is looking gorgeous!” Divina snapped at her husband. “That hairdo is one of Rosendo´s creations! And he’s left her looking stunning!”

AEternus turned to Rosendo and asked him, “What did you mean by making your sister look like a saurian? That she is a viper or what?”

“You brute!” scolded Divina. “Of course he meant nothing of the kind. What does the poor boy know about vipers? Rosendo has made her look like a top model, and that flower is beautiful!”

“No, it isn’t. The squamata flower is a frightful thing that stinks like carrion. And it atrracts egg-laying flies.”

“But what are you saying? Rosendo plucked that flower right here in our island and there is no flower in our island that smells bad.”

AEternus cautiously approached Azuline to check if the flower stank or not.

“Well, you are right. It smells like lemonade. I apologize for what I have said. But I insist on your redoing your sister’s hair, Rosendo. Use lilies, or lilacs or such.”

“I am a lizard fairy,” said poor Azuline, somewhat sadly.

“I know. But you are no viper. You are my great granddaughter . And you are not to be incited to attract flies and eat them. I will leave this clear. There is nothing bad about lizards, though your father’s godmother might not agree with this. She abhors Peloponnesian lizads.”

“I was from Capri.”

“Well, then no problem. You haven’t devoured Greek cereals. That can't be held against you. So much for that. And besides, now you are from the Isle of the Blessed.”

“Really, AEternus! Why bring Demeter up now? This little girl doesn’t go about  devastating fields of wheat.”

“So I apologize a second time. Today isn’t my day. All I do is put my foot where I shouldn’t. You chose a bad day to have me compliment you all on your fancy hairdos.”

“But that’s not why you are here. We haven’t invoked you.”

“Then who? Rosendo?  All three of you are looking very pretty. Yes, especially that baby with the gigantic pink flower crowning her head. Very pretty, dear. But the carrion flower has to go. Create another work of art, Rosendo. You can do it, you artist.”

“Sure,” said Rosendo, “but I haven’t invoked you either, Great Grandpa.”

“Malvinio?”asked AEternus, turning to the hairdresser.

“No, me neither.  You see, some bird has stolen Brushland’s big wig.”

“Blast that ********  wig!” yelled AEternus. And immediately he added. “Oh. Oh, sorry! So sorry! I don't cuss in front of kids! If I said before that I was having a bad day, now I can call it disastrous!”