150. Finicky

“Mum, I’m going to have to ask you formally to stop asking me to ask the Pookah to change Alpin back to normal. You haven’t given me a moment’s peace since Christmas, and it’s February. Either you let things stand or I’m not setting foot in this house again despite my weakness for your tea cake,” No no Darcy said all that to his mother.

“If you hadn’t asked me not to ask him to change Alpin back to normal, I would have done it myself and given you no trouble,” retorted Mrs. Dullahan. “As if it weren’t enough to ask me not to ask, you’ve also asked your father not to talk to that malefactor about this. The only thing we can do now that you have tied our hands is ask you to go ask yourself. And don’t ask us not to ask you to ask. It’s asking for too much. In truth, you are the most indicated asker of all, because nobody can say no to you and nobody includes that criminal.”

Darcy said he had told her a thousand times he could not ask the Pookah to undo a spell he’d had every right to cast. Garth had to protect the forest. It was his purpose in life. And it was common knowledge among fairies that what the forest produced in November was the property of the forest creatures. And Alpin had been warned both by the Leafies and by the Fauns not to eat the polluted berries. There was no defending Alpin.

“How can you condone poisoning the fruit in a public forest?” insisted Mrs. Dullahan. “Garth is not as innocent as you make him seem to be. He has stolen my son’s youth. Everyone knows he is an uncouth barbarian, his reputation is terrible and nobody likes him. There has to be a way to use this against him.”

“Garth hasn’t actually poisoned Alpin,” put in Uncle Ernest. Death’s Coachman was a little scared to contradict his wife, but he felt he had to intervene. “Alpin is alive and well, just older and hairier. And for the first time since he was born the neighbors are on speaking terms with us. He isn’t stealing their food anymore. He’s disposing of their garbage now.”

“The neighbors? Those hypocrites are delighted with our misfortune! They give me bags full of their garbage for my son just to humiliate me!”

“Did I mention the zoning committee wants to give me a medal for beautifying the neighborhood?” said Alpin.

Miss. Aislene began to shake and covulse and scream and as Mr. Dullahan and Darcy went to her aid, I took Alpin by the arm and drew him away saying I needed to speak with him.

“For once in my life I’m useful,” said Alpin. “And she’s ashamed of me.”

I nodded and said, “Alpin, do you think there might be any polluted berries left in the forest? It’s the middle of the winter so I suppose not, but I really need some.”

“Go to a human supermarket. The mortals eat berries all year.”

“It’s because of the Rubbishies,” I explained. “You know how they invited me to a post-Christmas party. I’ve been postponing it for weeks now. We are to feast on products from the garbage dump.”

“Lucky you,” said Alpin. “I wish I had been invited.”

“So do I. I would be delighted to have you go in my place, but that can’t be. I don’t know how I am going to handle this situation, Alpin. I am terribly apprehensive and a bit of a hypochondriac.I know germs rarely have the power to harm the fay, but I have problems normal fairies don’t have. Like my allergies.”

I explained shuddering that on no account did I want to offend the Rubbishies. So I was apalled I might not be able to control my revulsion and do something gross like throw up at their hospitable table. I was immediately sorry I had said that. I didn’t want to be rude even when discussing my problem.

“It has ocurred to me that if I can get myself to eat one of those polluted berries, only one, my taste might change a little. I might acquire a taste for rotten things. And eat them without embarassing anyone.”

Alpin shook his head. “One berry might only make you lose your sense of direction, or you might just grow a beard, or something might happen you don’t want to have happen, because we aren’t the same person. Maybe you should speak to Garth before you try the berries. He should know more about the effects of what he pollutes than anyone else.”