256. The Rag Hag and other surprises

 256. The Rag Hag and Other Surprises

When I heard Atty utter the word “seriously,” I broke into hysterical laughter.

“Fie on you, Atty!” I spat out as best I could through my laughter. “I should have guessed you were one of them. This isn’t funny! It’s in very bad taste!”

“Of course it isn’t funny! Why are you laughing? Who am I one of?”

“The Jocose Gang. Don’t pretend you don’t know. I’m wise to you now. This is the most disgusting practical joke ever!”

“Oh, for the love of Og! No, Arley, no. This is the work of the Hag of the Rag herself.”

It took him a while to convince me that what had happened was no joke orchestrated by the notorious Jocose Gang. And when I accepted that, I felt even worse. Much, much worse.

“I can’t take that box to his mother,” I said. “I’m going in there to destroy the hag or to end up in a box myself.”

“You aren’t going in there. I am. This is my fault for having distracted you from your job chattering like a freaked out jay bird about my trivial problems. Listen, Arley. The ashes have to be kept in a box undispersed, because  if not, this would be murder. And everybody would  go for the hag. But what we have here now is just defence from invasion.”

“You mean Alpin can be revived or resurrected or put together again?”

“He can rise from his ashes like a Phoenix. But only if he gets socked again by the rag.”

“This is a mean person we’re dealing with here. She’s not going to let herself be talked into doing right, is she? And Alpin isn’t in a state to provoke her anger and get re-slugged. What can we offer her?”

“Wait here,” said Atty. “I’m going to steal the blooming rag for you.”

“I won’t say she doesn’t deserve that, but it could be dangerous, Atty. Hey! Where are you, Atty?”

Like I have said, Atty is a man of action. I transported myself back to the Rag Hag’s territory in a second. I saw him observing the building I had partially seen before. It was, I believe, a flour mill. The wheel was  there, turning and all. And there was a mound of white powder that had to be flour to a side of the mill. Almost as large as the mill itself it was.

“Atty,” I whispered, “she has to know someone took the ashes. Maybe she’ll be expecting us.”

“What do you know about this hag?” 

“By coincidence, Dad mentioned her the other day. But he didn’t say much. Except that she didn’t like Uncle Gen and wouldn’t like me either. I assumed she was someone mean. Is she? Or did Alpin just bring out the worse in her?”

“Let me explain to you about the Rag Hag. She is more like a ghost than like a fairy. She haunts an abandoned flour mill in the forest.This one here before us.  All she does here is wipe up the dust. Wipe it off the furniture. Obsessively. She never listens to reason, because she never listens to anyone. And she never quits wiping. Never. Nobody I have heard of has heard of anybody that has seen her. She is always invisible. We assume she is a woman because unequal as this may be more women than men do a lot of dusting. And we assume she is evil because nothing good has ever come from her and a lot of bad has. The rag isn’t invisible. It wipes and wipes in anyone’s plain sight. You know she is wiping because the rag is in motion. The rag is something like a thermobaric weapon. Heavy with flour that acts like fuel, it causes an explosion when it hits something forcefully and anything that it hits gets turned into a fine powder. A container immediately gathers the powder, every jot, so this attack cannot be labelled murder, since the victim can be returned to normal. ”

“If she is always wiping away and can’t be seen, how are you going to steal the rag from her? It won’t do to just pull. It’s not just that she might outpull you.”

“I may not look that tough, but nobody ever has outpulled me. I’ve played the rope game and pulled ropes that had fifty goons at one end and just me on the other and tumbled them.”

“Atty, if she gets to hit you, you’ll be powder. And I might not be able to steal your box away. Let’s call for help.”

“Nah!” said Atty, and he vanished from sight.

And then everything happened very quickly.

I made myself invisible too, for I was sure that was what he had done, made himself invisible and rushed off for the rag. I went as close to the mill as I could. I looked through a window and saw the rag wiping away. No matter how much dust it wiped off the furniture, more flew onto it. There was no trace of Atty. He should have been pulling at the rag. If I knew my brother that was what he would be doing. Then I saw something move aside from the rag. There was a hole in the floor, and within the hole, a pile of flour that was moving like quicksand. And then it went suddenly still. I entered the mil. If I was to help Atty, the hag would notice. She would see the flour move again. I had no choice but to go for the rag first thing. But I pretty much doubted I would be able to outpull the witch. And then I saw Cathsheba at the window. I let her see me. She signalled for me to be quiet but approach the hag and wait. She turned into a cat and then went invisible. I went as close to the hag as I could get, trying not to breathe so she wouldn’t feel my presence. Suddenly the hag yelled OW! I guessed Shebie had bitten or scratched the hag’s wrist, for tiny drops of blood tainted the surrounding flour and the rag fell as if the hag had let go of it. I saw my chance and darted for it and got hold of it, and as soon as I had, Cathsheba showed herself and I was able to strike at the spot where I thought the witch had to be, and fortune favored me. There was an explosion, everything went white, a cloud rose, hit the ceiling, blew it off and fell again. There was flour everywhere, and then there was a glass box on the floor too,  with what had to be the remains of the hag. Except they were invisible.

“Horrors! The box is empty!” I cried.

“No. There wouldn’t be a box if there weren’t ashes. She’s in there. She was invisible, and she still is.”

Cathsheba was already scratching at the flour in the hole Atty had fallen through. She turned into her fairy self and I  helped her haul Atty out of it putting a spell on myself that blocked my nostrils and glued my lips and tying myself to a rope and lowering myself into the hole. I had to grope in the flour for a while before finding him.  

“I made the mistake of walking in here, instead of flying. I noticed I was leaving footprints the hag could have seen. There was so much flour everywhere on the floor I didn’t distinguish the hole. I made myself invisible but before I started to fly, I tried to erase my footprints  with my foot. That’s when I slipped into the hole. It sucked me in. And I couldn’t move without her noticing me,” he said, coughing out flour. “So I couldn’t just come out. I was waiting for her to come for me and see what I could do to respond to her attack. Are we safe?”

“We hope so,” I said. I was really scared we might not be.

I showed him the glass box with the invisible ashes and he asked me, “Is that Alpin? Gone?”

I shook my head.

“It’s the hag. Invisible even as ashes. But we had better go for Alpin before someone steals his box. I’ve left it inside the hollow of a tree.” 

“I feel like I am  going to be coughing up flour for the rest of my life,” said Atty. “And I think I’ve lost one of my wings.”

“Show them to us,” said Shebie.

He made them appear and one was hanging by a thread.

“You’ll have to spend at least a week in bed, boy,” said Shebie, binding up the wing with Atty’s shirt as best she could.     

Then she and Atty began to argue about which bed he was to recover in. They argued and argued without pausing for a second while we left the mill and retrieved Alpin’s box,  which I had hidden within a tree.

“Go home and recover in your own bed then, if that’s what you want,” said Shebie. “Maybe you can get your mum or your granny to look after you.”

“You’re saying that because you know they are incapable of spending a week by an invalid’s side,” said Atty.

“Well, there’s your Northern granny. That one might be happy to do it.”

“No way! She may have the Münchausen by proxy syndrome,” said Atty.

Finally, Atty won the argument. Cathsheba agreed to accompany him to his castle and stay there till he was himself again.  In an aside, she told me she was  giving in out of pity.

“His self-esteem must be in worse shape than his wing. You and I have probably saved the life of this killer of seven at one blow. His puny-looking little brother and an aging she-cat. He must feel awful.”

We went to Atty’s castle and I swatted Alpin’s box with the rag before entering. There was an implosion of some kind, and Alpin was standing before me, coughing flour too. Atty said Alpin could stay at the castle till he felt better too. I sent word to his mum that he was staying at Atty’s and no questions were asked. Alpin gave relatively little trouble, because he was not well at all. He couldn’t eat during the days he was there because he kept coughing up flour. I stayed at the castle too, to watch him and to give Atty moral support. One afternoon, I took Atty’s dogs out for a walk on the grounds beyond the moat. They were running about chasing after sticks I cast at them, when I heard someone call my name.

“Arley, lad, come here!”

“Grandpa!” I cried with surprise. “What are you doing here? You’ve left your home!”

“Ah, yes.The occasion merits it. Is your brother happy? Radiant, is he? Because that won’t last. I’ve come to warn your reckless brother that he is never going to live happily ever after in his castle.”

“What?”

“At least not comfortably. He will never know peace again.”

Thoughts of a dreadful revenge to be visited upon us by the friends of the Rag Hag filled my mind.

“He didn’t swat the hag. I did,” I said, trying to be brave, “but he might not want to admit this and could prefer to be blamed for what happened to her.”

“Yes, I know. I know all about that, but it doesn’t have anything to do with this. This is something your brother has brought upon himself for not knowing when to run. He will never see a dull day again, the obstinate fool. I warned him something awful would happen to him if he persisted in stalking poor Cathsheba. Look, Arley, I understand he is doing well by now. Wing in place, no more throwing up flour.”

“Yes, he just has to be careful. We were going to celebrate tonight. Alpin will eat and everything.”

Grandpa laughed.

“Indeed you will celebrate,” he said. “Look, Arley, you have to do something for me, for your brother and for others too. The sun will set in a minute. I will make myself invisible but will follow you into the castle.”

“You can’t do that, Grandpa. It’s rude not to give notice of one’s presence.”

“I wouldn’t be doing this if it weren’t necessary. You will tell your brother you have seen a strange light in the tallest tower. That one,” he said pointing up at a castle window. “We will see the light any minute now. You will let him and Shebie, if she is around, go up to check what is going on there. They have to go first. This is very important. Knowing Atty, he won’t send anyone else. He won’t hesitate to go himself. But no one must get ahead of him. Don’t mistrust me, Arley. I don’t mean any harm. Look, there’s the light, on now. You see it? Up there. Go tell your brother. Quick!”

I did as I was told, though with the usual misgivings I have whenever Grandpa acts in mysterious ways. Atty rushed up the stairs as recklessly as usual. Shebie and I followed.

“Oh, for the love of the Yew Berry!” whispered Atty.

Now I have three new nephews and three new nieces. Neferhari, Neferclari, Neferedi, Nefernedi, Neferviki and Neferniki were lying in a basket up there, like a litter of kittens.

“How could you do this to Atty?” I asked Grandpa when he showed himself and and congratulated Atty and Cathsheba.

“There you go thinking ill of me again! It wasn’t me. It was Jocosa. As soon as she heard her daughter was in the island, she ordered half a dozen grandkids.”

“One can order babies for others?”

“Certainly not! Only Jocosa can. She teases and teases and they give her whatever she wants on condition that she cut it out and stay away. I could kick her out of the island for this, but only if Atty doesn't accept these kids.”

“How about if I take them this minute to the Temple of the Cat?” Cathsheba asked Atty.

“No child of mine is going to walk alone! Ever!” hollered my brother. And hearing him shout the six babies started mewing.

“You'll have to think twice if you think you are going to be able to control them. What did I tell you?” Grandpa said to Ati. “You asked for it! You'll never know peace again."

"They're my kids and I love them!" shouted Atty. 

And the babies shifted into kittens and mewed louder. Defiantly, I would say. Showing their little nails.

And I looked at Atty, and he already looked ten years older. 

"I insist on being godfather to the runt of the litter," said Grandpa. "And don't disappoint me because you are going to need all the help you can get." 

"How about if I am godfather to the biggest eater?" asked Alpin.